Over time I got to where I was wiping out so many foods from my diet--and I've little experience with most any food that is 'real' so not much variety was left--that instead of feeling enthused about recipes and issues, the way I did when I began this blog a few years ago, I just felt kinda demoralized. Like, even if I were eating on plan, how could my plain burgers and plain baked chicken breasts be of interest to anybody else?
Despite my occasional success with my teen, the most common event is that she doesn't want to be on lowcarb and whether via drama-queen or pleading, eventually I make the lousy decision to agree with her 'somewhat' and then slide completely off the wagon, UNDER the wagon.
As my insane weight when I began all this makes clear, my metabolism is not particularly normal. Normal people do not weigh 520, not ever. I lost a lot of weight, not remotely enough, but I'm still pretty huge. And I don't really need to eat horribly to gain weight. I just need to eat. But it's worse because if I'm not pointedly eating lowcarb, which amounts to 'mostly fats/protein', it's not merely that I'm eating carbs, it's that I'm not eating protein, and eventually I will start to overeat, simply because my body's starving for amino acids. I know that by now. Why this is ever still a problem is beyond me.
I considered not posting. Figured maybe I should close the blog and forget it. Being somewhat Type-A in personality, I would sooner gets shots and bruises than confess to any weakness, or be forced to spend any time around medical places. I think it's important if one's going to blog for a given 'thing' -- lifestyle, food choice, whatever -- that they be a positive and decent example of it.
Right now I'm kind of an example of someone who got demoralized, gave up, got it together again, then screwed up / got careless, shrugged it off, kinda forgot about it on purpose for awhile, repeated several times and several different approaches, and then realized I felt horrible, I was fatter, and had gained enough weight to make my eyeballs fall out on the scale, bounce a couple times and roll across the floor. I'm shocked and horrified it's that much. I honestly didn't think it would be that much.
So I can't decide if I should wallow in my pathetic failing so much that I just close the blog and let people who can actually maintain the eating plan as good examples do this, and spare people my clearly imperfect example, or if I should just get over myself and start where I am and use the blog to force myself to pay more attention for awhile, to what I eat, to issues, to positive thinking about it all.
Emotionally I want to do the former, but intellectually I know it would be healthier to do the latter.
Meanwhile, I noticed tonight that I must be mellowing with age. Tonight I stir-fried a bunch of stuff to dump into omelettes or on burgers over the next 2-3 days. Zucchini, squash, anaheim chilies, white onion, portabella mushrooms, a small red potato. I would not previously have allowed the potato. But the kid likes them. Small amounts of small ones now and then are my little compromise.
I am working on being less extremist. Less of the "I MUST eat X and I CANNOT eat Y" and more of the "PJ, just plan something to eat that is relatively decent and move on. Nobody is going to die over 7 slices of potato mixed into a big bowl of other veggies, only a big spoon of which is used with any meal serving. If this small compromise helps the kid like it a little better, and it's not severely harmful, isn't her being content on LC more important?"
Will people relate to me? Or find it pitiful and embarrassing? (More likely, not a single person reads this blog anymore because I went so long without posting, sigh.) I don't know. But I always wanted to be honest here so there you have it.
I'm getting more mellow with age. But I'm also just going back on plan after a chunk of time that added a whole bunch of weight back to my frame. Ironically, just after I had the FIRST sign of possible weight loss I'd had in a couple of years, after the hyper-nutrient phase. I feel like a complete freakin idiot, a failure, and a horrible example. But, I'd like to do better. I did well for a long time before gaining back what I recently have.