You know, you gotta "get up the gumption" -- where on earth did that word come from, I wonder?? -- to do much of anything.
Eat right. Exercise. Drink water. Take supplements. Clean your house. Whatever.
I've had a very difficult time 'getting up the gumption' to do anything useful lately. I'd like to say something else. Tell you how inspired I am. But really, I feel like I am looking for inspiration under rocks and in haystacks. Here, kitty kitty kitty. Come home to me.
I've noticed that sometimes it's a matter of extremes. Often in the past, I have known I was unhappy, dissatisfied, needed to do something, about some situation in my life. But this went on and on. Eventually I hit rock bottom, the ultimate in desperation and despair, and from there, the only direction to go was up.
This presents a real problem for fitness goals. You can't wait until you're worse off than you were before to finally feel like getting around to doing something about it. Well you can, but then you fit in with most of the rest of planet earth that diets strenously and ends up fatter.
I don't want to wait until I hit rock bottom. I could be dead before that happens. I want to find inspiration within myself now, or at least soon.
Years ago when many of my cats were about 7 months old, it had snowed, and then iced. They wanted to be outside for brief times, and there is no more memorable sight and sound than that of half a dozen cats, "galloping across the frozen tundra" of a backyard. Yes. Cats gallop. I never knew that until the iced-snow echoed all their pawbeats. It was awesome.
I had a cat-door in the window of the spare room at the time. Near that window is a big metal thing on the ground that houses the HAC air intake unit. To make it more easily possible for the gets to get from the big-thing to the cat-door in the window, I used the little plastic slide that my kid had outgrown, that used to be on one of those rubbery-plastic "cube" things that multiple kids can play on.
At first, it was so cute, their little pawprints in the snow as they ran up the slide to the window.
Then it iced over.
It was cruel. It was unusual. It was deviant and inconsiderate of me. But watching the kittens run up the slide, only to get huge eyes, flex their front claws like crazy, and sliiiiiiiiiiiide back down it again, was so funny that I literally ended up on the floor clutching my stomach with tears rolling down my face. Every time I would stand up and look again, to see the latest cat doing it, I would just collapse in hysteria.
They were backsliding, going downhill, while trying to get a grip with eyes wide and claws out.... to no avail.
I feel kind of like that right now.
I hope someone is having half the fun over it I remember having over them. I think I feel just about as irked about it as they seemed to. And like them, I eventually gave up at least for the present, sitting at the bottom of the uphill journey home, and staring at what was inside, thinking, 'DO SOMETHING TO HELP ME, YOU FOOL!'
My little girl is overweight. The last two years have put it on her in a big way. The irony that her dad moved here allegedly in part to be healthy food and exercise for her to solve my worry about it way back when, and that it got exponentially worse, is not lost on me. For the last two months since he moved out, though, I've been having a hard time focusing even on what is good for ME. Which would at least partially translate to what is good for her, of course. It is starting to genuinely ruin her life. She is miserable. She can't fit in any of the clothing types, styles or pieces she wants, and she can no longer run and play well with the other kids. She bawled her head off to me about it recently, and I felt like the lowest kind of lifeform that I had allowed this to happen. I wasn't overweight in school so I don't know what it's like in that respect, but I've got the testimony of plenty of friends that tell me it's a nightmare nobody can really imagine.
So getting my act together is more than just about me now. It's not just about getting the gumption to improve my life. It has to be SO lifewide and SO consistent that it improves hers, too.
No pressure PJ. It's just that your cooking, diet and exercise will not only kill you if you don't get your shit together, but they're ruining the life and future of the one human you love most in the world, your only child.
If that isn't supposed to be inspiration, what is??
So why does that make me feel like turning on the music loudly and crawling into a dark corner and making the world leave me alone? Shouldn't that instead make me feel all optimistic and positive and inspired about what can be done and needs to be done?
I need therapy. But I can't afford it. So ... instead, I have a blog.
I've even thought of many good ideas lately for having quick food. Like:
1 - make tons of taco meat and freeze in portions so it's always a nuke away.
2 - make tons of 'blue-cheese burger' patties and freeze so it's always a grill away.
And my old standards,
3 - make massive quantities of chili verde (a friend reported the recipe was dry and tasteless for her. The portions vary on my recipe but I recommend using more water and veggies if in doubt.) and store it in 4-6oz gladware containers.
4 - make cocoa flax muffins (to die for IMO) and stick 'em when fully cook in a ziplock kept near, so you can just pull one out and munch on it -- good protein, good fiber, super yummy.
5 - make a pound of spicy ground sausage and then scramble a dozen+ eggs and mix it all together with some shredded cheddar and then put it in a big gladware container in the fridge. Anytime you're hungry, dish out a bowl of the stuff, nuke it briefly, and if you want add some salsa, sour cream, a little more cheese, lowcarb ketchup, or whatever to it (it's good plain). Lasts awhile and having a lot of both fat and protein is filling.
I have a bunch of hamburger I bought in bulk (bought 1/2 a side) in my big freezer. So theoretically there is no reason I can't do the first two things at least.
That I don't FEEL like it -- and that my normal obsessive discipline has so NOT kicked in to save me lately -- is making me wonder what the heck is going on? I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm possessed. One of us is avoiding getting healthier, I just don't know which one. But it feels like an internal wrestling match.