In mid-2005 I had a long talk with my Ex. It had been 5 years since I'd made him move out, which means all the way back to Canada, for a long list of unusually good reasons. We hadn't been more than roommates since Jan 1997 anyway. He wanted to come back (as a roommate-only) and this time 'for real' apply for citizenship (finally). No matter that I had no desire to put up with him again, I knew that my kid having her dad locally vs. in another country had to be the priority.
Suddenly inspired, as he likes to cook and garden, I told him that one of the requirements of our agreement, would be that he would cook. Lowcarb, so that I could be healthier without taking all the time myself since I worked, and semi-lowcarb (at the least, "real food") for the kid, who was beginning to get just a little chubby. Given my weight, of course, I was worried for her, and wanted to stop that in its tracks. She was about 4'9-4'10 then, and about 110 lbs.
Like most things that you know are bad ideas, those wrong things that you are doing for the right reasons, it didn't work out anything like I planned.
He still "couldn't get around to" applying for citizenship, turned my entire house into such an ebay warehouse there was no room for a kitchen table or even more than a sideways-path through the living room, all while not providing a dime of his income for rent, food, bills, the kid, etc. After previously having ruined me with an IRS situation I will probably never afford to resolve as long as I live, he promptly settled into the same routine again. But...
Worse, in the end, was the food issue. He had no actual interest in making LC food, so most the time I didn't eat. When he would make something, it was only if it was easy enough to involve LC bread, but since I'm gluten intolerant, then I'd have asthma/allergies, worse apnea problems, lower oxygen level, etc. (Not that he cared, of course!) When I got inspired to do it myself in frustration, he'd promptly make garlic bread or something he knew was my biggest weakness, or the kitchen (now 'his') would be so gross I'd just walk away again with no appetite. So I gradually gained weight, from 414 to 467 over 12 months, which I had to lose (fortunately I lost all that and more from Sep-Dec 06).
When it came to the kid, he had even less concern than I had previously, I guess. She ate dominantly fast food and mac&cheese and spaghetti and so on. After 18 months, the kid had gained well over 50 lbs (weighing 165 at 4'11), serious cellulite, the inability to get into anything sold in walmart that is wearable without fashion suicide, could barely get in the biggest karate gi, and now had a nightmare of taunting and humiliation at school. Since the other problems with him were just as present as ever, that was it, and I gave up and made him leave before he ruined my life twice.
That left the kid's eating habits back in my court.
***
So then I wanted to put her on lowcarb, but nearly everybody made it clear to me that my eating plan was 'extreme' and that this would be totally inappropriate for a child. Sure, I could avoid McDonald's, but "whole grains!" were "necessary", and apples and bananas and plums and corn and so on, "How could fruit and veggies be unhealthy?"
The leading critic was my stepmother, who thinks the ADA advice is the law. (Her family, under this advice, has died off eyes by feet by heart attacks by cancer for the last 20 years, but this has not changed her views.) We had actual arguments about pasta.
The consensus seemed to be that my denying my kid mac&cheese was some kind of child abuse, because "all things in moderation" was the answer to life, and "pasta is not harmful, and kids love it!". The fact that I didn't want her eating potatoes was treated with an attitude as if I'd said that I was sacrificing her to an alien god. I mean it was crazy how simply avoiding high-carbs, not eating a potato, was seen as such a major thing.
Then age 10, she was a carb addict already, begging constantly for bread-pasta-sugar products, to the degree that she didn't WANT to eat anything else, and would NOT eat anything else if anything with carbs/sugar was an option. It was hard even for me to stay on lowcarb when my house was filled with carby crap I love too of course, and she was constantly begging for fast food or sweets etc.
So about 8 months later, which is around October of '07, she was 5'0 and 160. She'd grown at least an inch in the previous 8 months and yet was around the same on the scale, so at least she wasn't gaining MORE weight. But she had reached the point where her karate gi just wouldn't work, and left the one exercise I was overpaying for her to have, and she had almost no clothes for school since finding stuff to fit her was so difficult in our small town.
She would sometimes spend a couple hours at night just pouring out her grief and misery about being fat, and not being able to wear cute clothes, and how people at school treated her, and more. I wasn't fat in school (though I felt I was), so I didn't have the peer results of that, but her obvious suffering just made me grieve inside for my baby that obviously I was not "protecting" the way I felt a mom should.
Around November 2006, I finally snapped. That was when she could no longer go to karate for lack of fitting a gi. I felt like somehow that was the last straw, "Her certain doom".
And I put her on MY lowcarb plan. I decided everybody else could stuff their opinions. She was 11, 5'0, and weighed 164, that was about 6 weeks ago.
I did make a couple exceptions for her: once or twice a week I give her a little corn & peas nuked with some butter as a treat (those are more carby than I can eat, but I let her). I let her have as much fibrous veggies (the ones I make for both of us, broccoli, asparagus, cauli, peppers, onion, and more for her than me, baby carrots) and berries as she wants. I don't worry about counting her carbs or calories -- I simply make a point that nothing she eats is anything but lowcarb.
This meant that I started cooking a LOT more -- 2-4x a day -- so that she would always have "real food" and not be eating stuff from a can or frozen box or fast food, because mom was busy. This was a really big shift in my own time allotment to be honest, and if I hadn't been on lowcarb, I wouldn't have been healthy enough to have the energy/strength to do it. It has meant a substantial shift in my "available time" in a day. But since I started having her help me, it also meant that she and I spent a little more time together.
She used to tell me that she was constantly hungry. That even after she ate she was hungry. That she seemed to have "no off button" and that she would eat until she was sick if she had her way. She certainly did want to nosh 24/7 it seemed. So the rule I had was that I didn't want her to be hungry on lowcarb, EVER, and I would try to make sure there was always something she could eat.
To my surprise, she started quickly asking for more meat. I mean, the girl ate meat like it was going out of style, and hasn't stopped. I thought she would beg for more of whatever had the most carbs, but no. She became a protein fiend. I was a little nervous about this for awhile. I wondered if maybe she was overeating and I should put limits on it. But as I had recently read the Gary Taubes book "Good Calories, Bad Calories" and noted all the research with animals (and some humans), I decided if she was craving protein, it was probably that her body actually NEEDED protein.
In the end, I adopted this strategy: I make her wait 30 minutes after our meal. If she still wants more food, I will make her more. That's just to make sure she isn't inhaling dinner and it hasn't yet hit the tummy. She still continues to eat a lot of protein. Not too much for her size, just vastly more than she ever had. She used to only want carbs. The shift has been astounding.
And in just over a month, she went from not fitting in a size 17 jeans, to fitting easily in size 15, and I don't think it'll be that long before she's in a 14.
She has noticed repeatedly and with great delight how much her stomach is smaller, her upper arms are thinner, the extra fat around her neck/chin has disappeared, her thighs, butt and calves are smaller -- even her feet are smaller and no longer "puff out on top" in slipper-style flats.
For the first time in a long time, she now has at least enough clothing to not feel mortified at school. She now can put on clothes and look in the mirror and not cry. She actually "feels cool" and proud of how she looks.
Here's the interesting thing: She weighed 162 the other day -- only 2 lbs less than when we began. And yet, she's lost 2-3 pants sizes, and obvious fat everywhere!
Now my sneaking suspicion is that her body was chronically protein deprived, and used all this meat she's been eating like crazy to build up her lean body mass again, so all the fat she has lost, balanced against muscle rebuilt, comes out to about equal.
Her energy level is much higher. Her attitude and affection are 200% better. Thank god -- the whiny lazy angry girl seems to have greatly changed. Getting her to do chores is vastly easier. Those are side-effects I didn't expect! They rock!
And here's the real kicker: she no longer begs for carbs and sugar. She no longer pleads for Taco Bell because she's so hungry and it's fast and cooking would take awhile. She is so EXCITED by the idea that eating this way has helped her lose bodyfat, that with rare exceptions, she doesn't WANT to eat carbs. There have been times when I was willing to slide on something, and she said, "No!"
She has become a huge supporter in my lowcarb journey -- instead of a problem. She is the one now that encourages me to go to the walking park with her. And given the amount of meat she eats, and how much she loves veggies, it's been super helpful in improving even the way I do lowcarb eating, re-focusing me on those elements.
She's so beautiful. And now, she is so much happier. As well as healthier. And she looks better, honestly, though there is still more extra fat to lose, I trust now that it will come off. She is going back to karate and will be more easily able to do it as well, I am sure. Her legs look longer, and she is just so much happier across the board, that it is clear that her misery at school and with herself because of her weight was affecting her a good deal.
I just wanted to report that. I know that I've had a lot of insecurity as a mother about "what is proper to feed the kid". Isn't it weird that most of our culture will not blink about living at McDonald's and Pizza Hut, and people will argue a kid's "need" to have pasta, yet if you tell them you're making the kid eat mostly meat, dairy, fibrous veggies and berries, they act like it's some bizarre diet-cult that you're inflicting on them?!
***
As for me, I am down to 370 now. No big deal really, since health is now my priority before fat loss -- low carb is about health-sanity for me, not a diet -- but everything helps as far as my energy level and comfort goes. Since I began at over 500# (and a size 8x on the bottom--tip: they don't make clothes for that size...), that's fairly significant.
My 6x pants, one brand is falling off me, the other brand fits ok but loosely. Today I splurged and ordered 6x and 5x 'cargo pants' from Junonia -- which will be the first 'real' pants (not stretchy soft things) that I've worn since... since... 1991 or so. (And of course, I could wear nothing but homemade skirts for years and years.) I can wear the 5x shirts my parents have bought me for the last few years at Christmas, so that was nice, that I instantly have several new things to wear.
I can do walking I couldn't before, I can fit in seats at the city theatre now, where musicals and ballet and stuff happen (finally, I can take my kid to those!), and on the whole I just feel a lot better.
I have shifted every meal to either protein powder + cream + flax seeds (for me only, and sometimes frozen berries in there), or to MEAT primarily, usually with veggies. We eat a whole lot of simple hamburger patties, pork cutlets, or chicken breasts, with and without sauces or cheeses or dressings, and usually with stir-fried veggies.
We were still able to make super yummy holiday treats (peanut butter cookies, almond joys), and now and then when we want something sweet, I'll make some kind of bowl muffin (egg, cream cheese, flax seed, flavor extracts, sweetzfree, and sometimes cocoa)... or LC cheesecake. Not often, but on occasion when she is feeling like she wants something sweet.
She's happy, I'm happy, we're both losing fat and gaining energy, and life is going well. 2008 will be great! I feel sure of it. :-)
PJ
Showing posts with label LC life-changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LC life-changes. Show all posts
Thursday, January 3
Tuesday, October 16
Love, Life, and the Mirror
I have been on vacation for some time, and offline to LC for awhile before that. I've really missed my blogging and I hope y'all are doing well.
Recently, I fell in love.
This wasn't nearly such a big deal until I finally met my internet/phone obsession, and spent some serious quality time with him in a remote cabin in the foothills of the Ozarks, and some at home where he and my child fell in like with each other pretty quickly. That shifted it out of being one of those "Yes I totally love him but then again we haven't met so you can't be 100% sure of course" and into, "Why did my house never feel empty until he left it?"
Something happened that has had a fairly radical effect on my self image and how I think about everything, including my eating plan, exercise, goals in life, etc. And that is:
Someone fell in love with me.
I don't mean to be a complete nerd, but somehow, the effects in me of feeling genuinely loved by someone are nothing short of astounding. It is as if for the first time, instead of seeing myself through the eyes of the only adults around me, family who are either apathetic or highly critical, I am seeing myself through the eyes of someone who genuinely loves and cares about me. Someone who expects good things from me, who assumes the best of my intentions and outcomes, and who totally expects me to be treated well -- including by myself.
For the first time, I'm stopping in the middle of a day (or night) and asking myself: why am I doing this? Why am I not sleeping when I need to, pushing and pushing myself? Why am I not eating when I know I need to? Why am I sitting around when there are things I would like to accomplish? Why am I letting my bad behavior toward myself, that has become automatic and unconscious, run my life? Don't I deserve better than this?
In a burst of new enthusiasm (never let it be said that finally getting great sex for the first time in your life, let alone after not having any at all for ten years, isn't a great motivator!), when I got back from vacation, I worked out a daily schedule. You know, the sort totally impossible to keep without a drill sargeant and a stopwatch, but the kind that sounds really good on paper.
Last night I was pondering my interesting results with it so far. Which is kind of like, "I'm completely ignoring it, but intending to get to it Real Soon Now." And I had this typical, automatic thought, "I'm screwing up, and I'll never be getting healthier if I don't do X daily, and ..." and I suddenly realized: you know, that isn't the point.
The point of eating well is not so you get skinnier or stronger. The point of practicing your arts is not so you get better at them. The point of doing these things is the love of doing them. Every moment of life is precious, not because we can take a photo of it, not because of what it means to our future, but because of the life-experience in-the-moment, RIGHT NOW.
I should eat well because eating well is its own reward, in the moment. I should practice my arts because doing so means that I am living the kind of quality in time that make life an enjoyable thing for me. The action of an art, whether it is music or sketching or psi work or a physical discipline, makes those moments of our life different than if we had spent them sitting still, washing dishes, doing taxes, or whatever. Every minute of our day compiles to the end result, and the net result of our days is what makes our habits, our character and even our destiny.
But the living of a day isn't for the destiny, any more than eating low-carb is for some dreamed-of body of the future. Any more than loving others is for promise of heaven or fear of hell: one should 'be good' because being good is its own reward. The living of each moment is a quality opportunity. Not an obligation. Not just something to schedule or plan. Not just something to fill the time. An OPPORTUNITY to live, for that moment, to truly live--in a way that makes us feel fulfilled.
Live well, and the goals take care of themselves.
No matter what goals one may have (and goals are good), the PRACTICE, the in-the-moment, living-it, has to be focused on the appreciation of the moment. The quality of the moment, and of the end result, depend on that "Zen" ability to truly live in the moment.
In other words, if I base my today on my future, only strict and constant self discipline can get me there. But if I base today on my love of today and living well in it, I not only enjoy my day a lot more, but the future brings itself to me--and possibly with better results than I would otherwise have had.
I realized that planning to spend an hour a day with my little girl isn't something I do because I must and because when it's over I can send her to bed without making her feel neglected. It's for the joy of it. Of course! But for some reason I hadn't applied that understanding to everything else in my life. Like eating well, lifting weights, etc.
This brings me back to why I began this blog in the first place. Not because I wanted to lose weight, not because I'm a lowcarb evangelist, not because I needed another blog. But because I was delighted with how wonderful good food could be, how fun and creative it could be to work out new options for it, how exciting it could be to explore a new avenue in my life.
As a matter of course, things like goals and plans and charts and schedules and more eventually dominate most blogs including mine. But as a matter of inspiration, this blog was born because I loved the moments: the moments of discovering new stuff, of creating more new stuff, of cooking something I knew was good for me, of eating something that tasted great AND was good for me. As a side-effect, all that was good for my health and my future.
The point of a mirror is not to show us how we look to ourselves. It is show us how we look to OTHER people. When we look in a mirror and we project all our own fears and doubts and angers upon it, when people around us have contributed their own as well, it's 'through a lens darkly' at best. But when the mirror changes, when it truly shows you how someone else perceives you, and they think you are smart and lovely and creative and kind and overflowing with potential for good things, that's a different reflection altogether.
Suddenly I don't feel so much like, "I gotta do X so someday I won't see this horrible reflection!"
I feel more like, "Hey, that's a reflection of me, a nice person worth treating well. I should do X because it would feel good and I deserve that. How nice it would be to be nice to me. It's nice to be alive."
Every morning I say, "God, thank you for my life."
Maybe all along I should have been reminding myself that the life wasn't just a schedule of obligations which, if I had discipline, would eventually get me to some happier, skinnier, healthier place where then I could allow myself ... something, I'm not sure what. Am I waiting to be happy? Am I placing some barely-defined assumption of happiness on some hopefully thinner future 'when I deserve it'?
Maybe I should have been reminding myself that every moment of life is a gift, an honor, and an opportunity. Not for 'the future' but for THAT moment.
Love is the true motivator. Not fear of bad things, not greed for good things, but genuine love, whether for self, God or others.
PJ
Recently, I fell in love.
This wasn't nearly such a big deal until I finally met my internet/phone obsession, and spent some serious quality time with him in a remote cabin in the foothills of the Ozarks, and some at home where he and my child fell in like with each other pretty quickly. That shifted it out of being one of those "Yes I totally love him but then again we haven't met so you can't be 100% sure of course" and into, "Why did my house never feel empty until he left it?"
Something happened that has had a fairly radical effect on my self image and how I think about everything, including my eating plan, exercise, goals in life, etc. And that is:
Someone fell in love with me.
I don't mean to be a complete nerd, but somehow, the effects in me of feeling genuinely loved by someone are nothing short of astounding. It is as if for the first time, instead of seeing myself through the eyes of the only adults around me, family who are either apathetic or highly critical, I am seeing myself through the eyes of someone who genuinely loves and cares about me. Someone who expects good things from me, who assumes the best of my intentions and outcomes, and who totally expects me to be treated well -- including by myself.
For the first time, I'm stopping in the middle of a day (or night) and asking myself: why am I doing this? Why am I not sleeping when I need to, pushing and pushing myself? Why am I not eating when I know I need to? Why am I sitting around when there are things I would like to accomplish? Why am I letting my bad behavior toward myself, that has become automatic and unconscious, run my life? Don't I deserve better than this?
In a burst of new enthusiasm (never let it be said that finally getting great sex for the first time in your life, let alone after not having any at all for ten years, isn't a great motivator!), when I got back from vacation, I worked out a daily schedule. You know, the sort totally impossible to keep without a drill sargeant and a stopwatch, but the kind that sounds really good on paper.
Last night I was pondering my interesting results with it so far. Which is kind of like, "I'm completely ignoring it, but intending to get to it Real Soon Now." And I had this typical, automatic thought, "I'm screwing up, and I'll never be getting healthier if I don't do X daily, and ..." and I suddenly realized: you know, that isn't the point.
The point of eating well is not so you get skinnier or stronger. The point of practicing your arts is not so you get better at them. The point of doing these things is the love of doing them. Every moment of life is precious, not because we can take a photo of it, not because of what it means to our future, but because of the life-experience in-the-moment, RIGHT NOW.
I should eat well because eating well is its own reward, in the moment. I should practice my arts because doing so means that I am living the kind of quality in time that make life an enjoyable thing for me. The action of an art, whether it is music or sketching or psi work or a physical discipline, makes those moments of our life different than if we had spent them sitting still, washing dishes, doing taxes, or whatever. Every minute of our day compiles to the end result, and the net result of our days is what makes our habits, our character and even our destiny.
But the living of a day isn't for the destiny, any more than eating low-carb is for some dreamed-of body of the future. Any more than loving others is for promise of heaven or fear of hell: one should 'be good' because being good is its own reward. The living of each moment is a quality opportunity. Not an obligation. Not just something to schedule or plan. Not just something to fill the time. An OPPORTUNITY to live, for that moment, to truly live--in a way that makes us feel fulfilled.
Live well, and the goals take care of themselves.
No matter what goals one may have (and goals are good), the PRACTICE, the in-the-moment, living-it, has to be focused on the appreciation of the moment. The quality of the moment, and of the end result, depend on that "Zen" ability to truly live in the moment.
In other words, if I base my today on my future, only strict and constant self discipline can get me there. But if I base today on my love of today and living well in it, I not only enjoy my day a lot more, but the future brings itself to me--and possibly with better results than I would otherwise have had.
I realized that planning to spend an hour a day with my little girl isn't something I do because I must and because when it's over I can send her to bed without making her feel neglected. It's for the joy of it. Of course! But for some reason I hadn't applied that understanding to everything else in my life. Like eating well, lifting weights, etc.
This brings me back to why I began this blog in the first place. Not because I wanted to lose weight, not because I'm a lowcarb evangelist, not because I needed another blog. But because I was delighted with how wonderful good food could be, how fun and creative it could be to work out new options for it, how exciting it could be to explore a new avenue in my life.
As a matter of course, things like goals and plans and charts and schedules and more eventually dominate most blogs including mine. But as a matter of inspiration, this blog was born because I loved the moments: the moments of discovering new stuff, of creating more new stuff, of cooking something I knew was good for me, of eating something that tasted great AND was good for me. As a side-effect, all that was good for my health and my future.
The point of a mirror is not to show us how we look to ourselves. It is show us how we look to OTHER people. When we look in a mirror and we project all our own fears and doubts and angers upon it, when people around us have contributed their own as well, it's 'through a lens darkly' at best. But when the mirror changes, when it truly shows you how someone else perceives you, and they think you are smart and lovely and creative and kind and overflowing with potential for good things, that's a different reflection altogether.
Suddenly I don't feel so much like, "I gotta do X so someday I won't see this horrible reflection!"
I feel more like, "Hey, that's a reflection of me, a nice person worth treating well. I should do X because it would feel good and I deserve that. How nice it would be to be nice to me. It's nice to be alive."
Every morning I say, "God, thank you for my life."
Maybe all along I should have been reminding myself that the life wasn't just a schedule of obligations which, if I had discipline, would eventually get me to some happier, skinnier, healthier place where then I could allow myself ... something, I'm not sure what. Am I waiting to be happy? Am I placing some barely-defined assumption of happiness on some hopefully thinner future 'when I deserve it'?
Maybe I should have been reminding myself that every moment of life is a gift, an honor, and an opportunity. Not for 'the future' but for THAT moment.
Love is the true motivator. Not fear of bad things, not greed for good things, but genuine love, whether for self, God or others.
PJ
Tuesday, July 3
Bon Appétit! Independence Day '07
For years I've made a habit of implementing major personal changes around Independence Day. Sometimes it's starting something new, sometimes it's ending something I've done for a long time. It just seems like an appropriate time for things like that.
I use Independence Day the way some people do New Years. Which is a good thing, since my score at keeping New Year's Resolutions is abysmal!
I use Independence Day the way some people do New Years. Which is a good thing, since my score at keeping New Year's Resolutions is abysmal!
***
The last year has been a real pain in the butt for me, but mostly in constructive ways. I've started dealing with some of the more major issues in life.
In the last 12 months I've re-initiated lowcarb again, which I suspect is the only reason I'm currently alive. I've lost around 100 lbs, I've improved my mobility by a few orders of magnitude, I've ditched several medical symptoms like acid reflux, asthma and allergies (in direct proportion to how much I ditch eating grains).
I got my seven-years-ex husband to move the hell out again, since he wasn't my mate, didn't pay rent or any expenses, didn't spend time with the kid, and severely over-occupied the entire house. That made a huge improvement in my life too.
My ten year old gained nearly 40 lbs of pure fat in the 18 months he lived here, in part under the agreement he'd make healthy food for her I didn't have time/energy to (but mac&cheese, McDonalds, etc. was the reality of his efforts in the end). Her eating plan is now a lot more sane, and has almost zero junk/fast food or carby/ sugary stuff. Meanwhile she recently attained Jr. Brown Belt in Gojo Ryu Karate.
In short, my life has improved radically in nearly every way since last Independence Day, mostly since last mid-September. I have a long way to go in every way, but I've made a solid start on good things.
***
So this Independence Day, I decided to come up with one thing -- just one -- that I consider a thing I need freedom from. It has to be something that will require actual work, and that is very important, yet just ONE thing. Not a whole complex of stuff, not a need for perfection starting now, just one single solitary point that I feel I should focus my attention on: physically, metaphysically, psychologically, spiritually, you name it.
I thought about it for awhile. I've had a lot of insights the last several weeks about my troubles with eating; that is, my tendency to NOT eat, which does nothing but help maintain the spare-nothing/ store-everything metabolism that made me huge in the first place.
I believe there are a number of pretty serious psychological issues behind this, most amounting to decades of behavior based on severe PTSD from my younger life. To some degree I think I use food as a "control issue" with myself. I think I've been deeply repressing an 'institutionalized rage' much of my life, which gets turned in on myself, and my refusal for most of my adult life to eat, until hunger finally drove me to eating carbs at night, is an adaptive response to that.
I don't kid myself that I can cure the degree of PTSD my childhood brought about just because I want to lose weight. I'm not that optimistic. But I do believe that consciousness creates, and that we do have control of ourselves if we focus our intent in that direction.
This one issue, EATING, weaves into the larger web of my life. I believe that as simple as it may seem on the surface, my difficulty with doing it often enough over the last six months suggests it's nearly to the degree of 'eating disorder'.
Thing is, I don't lose fat if I don't eat enough and frequently. Period. The last six weeks proves that well enough, though I've seen that evidence before. If I can't get myself to EAT, my body is not going to let go of the extra fat. If I don't let go of the extra fat, my fitness and functional level will never get anywhere near where I want it to be.
I want to live. I want to feel good and be able to do cool and fun things with my kid and my friends. So in a way, it all boils down to dealing with "first things first": I gotta eat!
I want to be free from the chronic psychological stress that runs under the surface of me and causes distortions--I'm sure my issues with not eating are really only one of several issues that probably relate to it.
It's a big job, dealing with something that is deeply psychological... emotional as well as physical. It's not just about the numbers I make each day. It's not really about protein grams. It's about being free and loving enough with myself that I WANT to take care of myself and do so.
***
So, freedom from whatever inner long-term drama is screwing up my eating habits is what I wish for this year.
From now until next Independence Day, I want to be working on that. I want to meditate on it, pray about it, and pay close attention to it. If there is one thing I want to be sure is changed, improved, and taken care of by next Independence Day, this is it.
Bon Appétit!
PJ
Thursday, June 7
The Fabulous 52
"If you want something to get done, give it to the busiest person."
-- busines maxim
Have you ever noticed that when scheduled, more stuff seems to get accomplished? Do you ever have those times where you go through an hour, a day, a week or weekend, a month, and it seems like not a whole helluva lot actually got done in the end?
I've been thinking about a variety of motivational menus along these lines; there's a whole smorgasbord of spiffy slogans and precise little plans that one could use to schedule their life as well as German trains.
I was looking around my house earlier. You've heard the saying, "the walls talked back," perhaps. My walls probably would, but they are muffled and gagged by the amount of junk stuck in front of them, waiting for something to be done.
My house projects, life projects, health projects, kid projects, garage projects, and other "goals" are starting to stretch into the horizon of infinity.
And if I'm not making a ton of headway on them, perhaps it is because I am not really trying. I am not constantly reminded of them. I don't have any actual schedule for them. They just become "wishes," lost to the binary oblivion of blogging or the neurological randomization of daydreams and unfulfilled plans.
It's time to expand my horizons, increase my recognition of my own potential, and explore the increased 'attention' value that reminder and planning for goals brings.
So to this end I am creating The Fabulous 52. Also known as, "52 accomplishments I will get off my ass and do within the next calendar year, because I rock and I deserve to do that for myself."
These have to be possible -- and reasonable -- for happening within a year from now. Nothing that will take 2 years in any sane guess, or will require more money than 3 years of saving could come up with. They have to be things I control, e.g., I can't count my kid's hopeful weight loss in there no matter how much I want to help her, that's her goal not mine. It can be anything from a construction project to a spiritual goal.
There are 52 weeks in a year. How much is it to ask that I "average" accomplishing one thing of importance a week? (It can vary of course, I might do none on the list for a few weeks, then cover a dozen in the next couple.) If the things I would put on my F-52 list are not worth having some priority, why are they on the list? It needs to be stuff I really do want to get done. I can add and remove things from the list over time.
The important thing is that I take the time to MAKE the list and to POST it somewhere, yes ON PAPER 'cause I'm a luddite, in my house, so I can SEE it. And to make a weekly habit of briefly reviewing it. 30 seconds a week to review. How hard is that? So the list takes time? -- how much time do I spend on the internet? I have time to make a list of what is truly important to me.
So next up, soon as I get them worked out (or most of 'em anyway), is my Fabulous 52 for the next year of my hopefully productive life!
PJ
.
-- busines maxim
Have you ever noticed that when scheduled, more stuff seems to get accomplished? Do you ever have those times where you go through an hour, a day, a week or weekend, a month, and it seems like not a whole helluva lot actually got done in the end?
I've been thinking about a variety of motivational menus along these lines; there's a whole smorgasbord of spiffy slogans and precise little plans that one could use to schedule their life as well as German trains.
I was looking around my house earlier. You've heard the saying, "the walls talked back," perhaps. My walls probably would, but they are muffled and gagged by the amount of junk stuck in front of them, waiting for something to be done.
My house projects, life projects, health projects, kid projects, garage projects, and other "goals" are starting to stretch into the horizon of infinity.
And if I'm not making a ton of headway on them, perhaps it is because I am not really trying. I am not constantly reminded of them. I don't have any actual schedule for them. They just become "wishes," lost to the binary oblivion of blogging or the neurological randomization of daydreams and unfulfilled plans.
It's time to expand my horizons, increase my recognition of my own potential, and explore the increased 'attention' value that reminder and planning for goals brings.
So to this end I am creating The Fabulous 52. Also known as, "52 accomplishments I will get off my ass and do within the next calendar year, because I rock and I deserve to do that for myself."
These have to be possible -- and reasonable -- for happening within a year from now. Nothing that will take 2 years in any sane guess, or will require more money than 3 years of saving could come up with. They have to be things I control, e.g., I can't count my kid's hopeful weight loss in there no matter how much I want to help her, that's her goal not mine. It can be anything from a construction project to a spiritual goal.
There are 52 weeks in a year. How much is it to ask that I "average" accomplishing one thing of importance a week? (It can vary of course, I might do none on the list for a few weeks, then cover a dozen in the next couple.) If the things I would put on my F-52 list are not worth having some priority, why are they on the list? It needs to be stuff I really do want to get done. I can add and remove things from the list over time.
The important thing is that I take the time to MAKE the list and to POST it somewhere, yes ON PAPER 'cause I'm a luddite, in my house, so I can SEE it. And to make a weekly habit of briefly reviewing it. 30 seconds a week to review. How hard is that? So the list takes time? -- how much time do I spend on the internet? I have time to make a list of what is truly important to me.
So next up, soon as I get them worked out (or most of 'em anyway), is my Fabulous 52 for the next year of my hopefully productive life!
PJ
.
Tuesday, June 5
On the Road Again
I'm feeling ok about things at the moment. Downright cheerful, even.
My food has failed abysmally to be anywhere near my count plans. It's generally a mile short of every number, especially calories, as I've been having a hard time eating enough and if it weren't for high-protein/low-carb slimfast in a can I might not have ingested anything several days the last week. But I'm working on keeping at least protein up sufficiently high, if nothing else, and today I've done ok. My only problem is a lack of prepared food, plans, etc.: a problem of my own making.
My exercise (see Tomboy Tough) has been somewhere between hilarious and traumatic, as I realize I'm not qualified to get on and off an exercise bicycle, let alone ride the damn thing. If I do a back exercise with light weights, such as the bent over row, the stress of other things -- my bent leg holding my body, my arm on the bench, contribute so many working muscle groups to the overall exercise that it becomes a highly compound core exercise that makes me pant and sweat, instead of something simple. I can't get anywhere near the exercises I wanted to do most -- lunge and squat -- so instead bend my legs so I'm about 1/3 of a kneebend, then just hold it as long as I can. Today set a record: 40 seconds. Heh. Let's just say the entire experience is as much an adjustment for my ego as it is for my body.
But you know what? I'm doing it. It's hard as hell sometimes to not want to just get JUNK because it's quick and there -- Taco Bell is literally like a family food group for me -- but I don't. It's hard as hell to do the working out stuff, which is so exhausting, sweat profusely drips off me on everything to the point where I have to wear a towel now, that's how exhausting it is -- and yet, I like the feel of doing it and I like the feel of accomplishment when it's over.
I feel like I'm on the road again: on the path to that big "doing something good with my life." The details are fuzzy still. The close up journey is decidedly imperfect. The goals are so far away I can't begin to read the signs. But the sweat and the soreness and the scale gradually going down (now at lowest weight ever since I first began losing weight) tells me I must be doing something right.
I can't tell you when I'll be even halfway there, but I'm kinda proud of myself, to be able to say that I am truly on the road.
PJ
.
My food has failed abysmally to be anywhere near my count plans. It's generally a mile short of every number, especially calories, as I've been having a hard time eating enough and if it weren't for high-protein/low-carb slimfast in a can I might not have ingested anything several days the last week. But I'm working on keeping at least protein up sufficiently high, if nothing else, and today I've done ok. My only problem is a lack of prepared food, plans, etc.: a problem of my own making.
My exercise (see Tomboy Tough) has been somewhere between hilarious and traumatic, as I realize I'm not qualified to get on and off an exercise bicycle, let alone ride the damn thing. If I do a back exercise with light weights, such as the bent over row, the stress of other things -- my bent leg holding my body, my arm on the bench, contribute so many working muscle groups to the overall exercise that it becomes a highly compound core exercise that makes me pant and sweat, instead of something simple. I can't get anywhere near the exercises I wanted to do most -- lunge and squat -- so instead bend my legs so I'm about 1/3 of a kneebend, then just hold it as long as I can. Today set a record: 40 seconds. Heh. Let's just say the entire experience is as much an adjustment for my ego as it is for my body.
But you know what? I'm doing it. It's hard as hell sometimes to not want to just get JUNK because it's quick and there -- Taco Bell is literally like a family food group for me -- but I don't. It's hard as hell to do the working out stuff, which is so exhausting, sweat profusely drips off me on everything to the point where I have to wear a towel now, that's how exhausting it is -- and yet, I like the feel of doing it and I like the feel of accomplishment when it's over.
I feel like I'm on the road again: on the path to that big "doing something good with my life." The details are fuzzy still. The close up journey is decidedly imperfect. The goals are so far away I can't begin to read the signs. But the sweat and the soreness and the scale gradually going down (now at lowest weight ever since I first began losing weight) tells me I must be doing something right.
I can't tell you when I'll be even halfway there, but I'm kinda proud of myself, to be able to say that I am truly on the road.
PJ
.
Friday, February 9
Independence Day
Today is my official independence day: my husband, as of late last night, is out of the country, and permanently out of my life aside from visits-to-kid. Thanks be to God. I feel like I have lost a ton of weight from some unspecified part of my body, as if we hold some 'astral' sense of weight with things that 'weigh us down'.
I could look at this as losing 195 lbs overnight. I feel great!
It'll take me at least a month just to clean up the unbelievable amount of STUFF he over-occupied the main room (and largest bedroom) with, but I'll do it. And after two months of ice and snow, and 8 cats stuck in the house all the time, I decided to get tough about them at the same time. He went to the airport and they got thrown out to live in the garage. It has a couple HAC vents out there, food, water, litterboxes, and a cat-door in the window so they are free to go in/outdoors. I let the little fragile one with no body fat stay inside, but when it warms up, she can go out too.
Already the house FEELS significantly different.
I'm so happy.
I sang, "Hit the ROAD, Jack! And don'tcha come back! No more, no more, no more, no more!" all the way home from the airport.
I think I'll go clean something.
I could look at this as losing 195 lbs overnight. I feel great!
It'll take me at least a month just to clean up the unbelievable amount of STUFF he over-occupied the main room (and largest bedroom) with, but I'll do it. And after two months of ice and snow, and 8 cats stuck in the house all the time, I decided to get tough about them at the same time. He went to the airport and they got thrown out to live in the garage. It has a couple HAC vents out there, food, water, litterboxes, and a cat-door in the window so they are free to go in/outdoors. I let the little fragile one with no body fat stay inside, but when it warms up, she can go out too.
Already the house FEELS significantly different.
I'm so happy.
I sang, "Hit the ROAD, Jack! And don'tcha come back! No more, no more, no more, no more!" all the way home from the airport.
I think I'll go clean something.
Monday, January 8
The Big O
A new experience is making such a big difference for me:
Organization.
(Heh. I bet you thought this was about something else.)
I've had a real challenge while on low carb, especially the last 2 months, with a variety of factors, including:
Organization.
(Heh. I bet you thought this was about something else.)
I've had a real challenge while on low carb, especially the last 2 months, with a variety of factors, including:
How many of us work our butts off for someone else, but... only "hope to get around to" the things we want to do?
* remembering to eat
* remembering to weigh myself
* remembering to take my supplements at all, let alone 3x a day
* being able to drink water consistently through the day so that I can get a gallon in by the end of the day
* not eating frequently enough (rather than only once or twice a day, or meals separated by 6 hours)
* not preparing properly so when I go to eat, there is something lowcarb available that does not take me 30 minutes to pull together (if at all)
...All of which combines to other side effects, like not getting nearly enough protein each day, and more.
Yeah I know. After reading that you're thinking, "You can't remember to eat?! You have no brain!"
Yes, there is that...
But seriously, I wake up in the morning and I'm into the "get kid to school mode" and then I move on to the "I work from home mode" and that's that. I'm used to putting the kid, the job, in fact everything, before "me" on my priority list.
I'm very focused. When I'm doing thing X, I am totally doing it. I'm busy, and I don't remember to do stuff until usually late afternoon, when I realized I've blown it yet again -- I didn't eat frequently, I didn't drink water, weigh myself, take supplements, get stuff ready that I needed, etc. 15+ years of eating one meal a day and tuning out the world while I obsessed on work is a hard habit to break.
How many people are unusually competent as mothers or church planners or business people but feel like they're constantly a day late, a dollar short, and behind the 8-ball in their personal life?
So my friend was telling me, "Set your alarm!" and I said well then I'd have to reset it a zillion times a day. I heard myself say that and thought to myself, "My gosh, am I the laziest human alive?! You know, I think I might be!" Talk about making excuses. But it got me thinking about it.
I had prepared a ton of chili verde, in the fridge and the freezer, in those little Glad plastic 4oz (1/2 cup) containers. I had baked some Cocoa Muffincakes v1.8 which began a healthy muffin and turned into a sweet treat by the time I was done with it. So for the first time in awhile, I had actually prepared food in advance that I could eat as needed. Plus I have a variety of stuff right now that I could munch on if I chose.
So the day BEFORE today, I sat down, considering what I had in my fridge and pre-pared, and worked out what I should eat today that would bring my nutrition numbers to my ideal.
Why did I never think of doing this before? Planning my food in advance? As if I have to be so undisciplined that I require spontaneity for food or something, how silly -- it's not like I don't know what I like. (Surely, until recently, humans were usually very carefully planning food in advance and/or eating whatever had to be eaten before it spoiled.)
I put the info in my spreadsheet that I use as a food journal, with set times. Every so many minutes or hours, I was due to do something, usually combined with eating. I would eat X, or Y; I would weigh myself; and I made a point that each time I needed to eat, I would grab my 1/2 gallon water bottle, drink 8 long gulps, and then go do whatever I was doing. After I finished eating I would try to drink 8-16 more gulps, which when you are eating meat is not that hard because it makes you thirsty.
I set my alarm. And when it went off I would instantly re-set it for the next time (90 minutes later), do my thing, and come back to work. It didn't take hardly any time, contrary to my expectation that getting up so many times a day would be too time consuming.
The result is:
* Today was by far my most ideal nutrition counts in the four months I've been lowcarbing.
* I drank a full gallon of water today and never did I really feel like I was waterlogging myself, because it was very gradual and consistent.
* I had many separate eating times of very small amounts throughout the day. I never felt hungry, I never felt full. The more protein your weight requires you get in, the more you need multiple meals, since taking massive protein/fat in one meal isn't really ideal.
* Since my food's planned ahead I never reached the middle of a prep only to discover we are now out of something I need, or it has gone bad.
* I got far more movement in my day since I had to get up every 90 minutes.
* I went to the bathroom every 90 minutes (remember that gallon of water!) but it wasn't like being 'constantly interrupted' for it, because I was already up doing my thing anyway, so it just became a routine.
* I actually felt like I was accomplishing something!
Now attach praying, stretching, weighing, taking vitamins, etc. to some of those 'timed events' and you have a very constructive day.
I knew it was going to be a successful day. How could it not be? I had a plan!
And importantly, it's never much. It's never like some gigantic effort, like making a big meal or doing an hour of exercise or drinking a whole quart of water or something else that's a real pain no fun. Every 90 minutes, I drop what I'm doing and do what I should -- and it usually doesn't take longer than 5-10 minutes max. And by the end of the day, I find that I have accomplished a LOT -- all in tiny little pieces.
o0o
So in addition to my "lowcarb lifestyle", I have other things that are important to me, from prayer to getting my kid to karate. My friend pointed out that for 20 bucks there is a great electronic scheduler with alarm at Amazon. You can schedule any number of "appointments" -- every Thursday at 5:30 for example, to get ready for karate, or weekdays, or one-time things -- or, a regular "eating+" schedule that is consistent and happens in many segments throughout the day.
I could do this on my computer now -- but I'm not always at my computer, so that's not convenient. Something small that could be clipped on a purse, belt, backpack, tossed in the car to travel with you, could combine work and personal AND even your "plan of discipline" sounds fabulous to me. I ordered it, so when I get it later this week I'll let you know what I think.
Meanwhile, I actually made nearly 200g of protein today, a full gallon of water, at 20 carbs and 2200 calories -- and everything I ate was fabulous. I wasn't stressed or rushing. I wasn't trying to do math in my head and guess about my food or 'forage' in a hurry for lunch. I got my prayers and stretching and other things taken care of. And from the beginning of my day, here's the kicker:
I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE A SUCCESSFUL DAY.
How could it not be? I had a plan!
I had everything all worked out ahead of time.
It was easy, it was fast, and it got done.
Think about it. We plan our work days, our meetings, our lesson plans, our grocery lists. Those of us who do jobs like project management for a living, plan the 'flow' of things so there are no surprises (we hope), no panicking rush, no running out of resources, no bottleneck vs. desert of workflow for vendors and contractors, etc. We plan it, we document it, we report on it.
Funny most of us don't put as much "Organization" into the rest of our lives, isn't it? Why NOT pre-plan and schedule your food/water and minor activities? It's not like you can't change your mind if you need to. Isn't LIFE at least as important as the job? Isn't being competent and feeling good about what we accomplish in many areas just as important personally as professionally?
I'm used to putting the kid, the job, in fact everything, before "me" on my priority list.
Why not "get my act together" by sitting down and making a plan for shopping, for pre-cooking/storing, eating, and all the little things I must do? Why not set an alarm or organizer-reminder so that we get it all done regularly, unhurriedly, gradually -- and perfectly?
Many years ago in Los Angeles as an independent contractor (troubleshooting, mfg. line process, software training, etc.) my business card said, "Organizing Your Organization." Why not organize my own life? How many of us work our butts off for someone else, but then for ourselves, only "hope to get around to" the things we want to do?
How many people are unusually competent as mothers or church planners or business people but feel like they're constantly a day late, a dollar short, and behind the 8-ball in their personal life? Maybe it's because we aren't used to making the same kind of effort on behalf of ourselves that we do for others.
The Big O is now underway. I'm making plans. I'm following plans. And it's pretty amazing, frankly, how with a minimum of effort, I am accomplishing more than ever.
.
Sunday, January 7
Marathons of Enthusiasm
So the last few days I actually have the urge to physically DO something... not just sit as motionless as a rock all the time. This is a rather new urge for me. I've been so heavy and as a result, so sedentary, for so long that when I felt like "doing" something I had to ask myself, "Er.... like what would that be?!"
Yesterday I did two more stages in the chocolate muffin with lowcarb and high protein experiment. By version 1.7 (seven trials), I think it's pretty damn good personally. You could put cream cheese frosting on it and call it a cupcake. It does require some LC ingredients at least if you make it like I did. I call them Cocoa Muffins v1.7 (recipe link here). (If you're not a lowcarber.org member, here's a link to an image that has the recipe, nutrition count, instructions.)
Edit 1/8/07: Use version 1.8, here instead for much moister, chocolatey-er muffins. However, the calorie/fat count on this version is much higher, as it upped the oil a lot.
Today I spent three solid hours walking walmart with a heavy basket that cost me over 1/3 my paycheck. Sheesh! But I got a ton of kitchen utensils and stuff like that which I needed, and a bunch of meat for some major prep cooking, and as usual the kid made out like a bandit by the time it was over, with a new sweater, tennis shoes, a bunch of art supplies, and some fruit juices she wanted. I've made it clear that at the end of January when her dad departs, this house is lowcarb and that means her too, so she is living it up while she can!
It was more exercise without cease than I've done in eons. I was getting kind of weary and my back was "thinking about maybe complaining" when I finally got home, got the stuff in the kitchen and sat down.
Later around 11pm I got enthused and energetic again and decided I would go ahead and make the chili verde now instead of later. So I spent 1.5 hours just cleaning and chopping the various ingredients, only to realize I was very tired and my lower back was starting to complain. Then I realized I still had to cut up nearly 10lbs of pork and brown the outside before I could put everything in the crockpot.
I gave up my pride and begged my soon-to-be-ex husband to do it. Which was SO impolite, since it was 12:30am by the time I suggested he spend 90 minutes doing that! But he did and so tomorrow morning around 9:30am we will have a big ol' pot of chili verde. And there is more meat and less veg than usual this time so it's super lowcarb/high protein.
I'm frustrated that I keep forgetting to weigh, but when I did, my weight wasn't changing. I'm not moving fast enough to meet my goal in this 12 week cycle if I don't get my butt in gear. As of last Monday (a week ago), I finally got my protein up to an average of 100+g per day and my water to a minimum of 2qt per day. I thought this would greatly up my restroom habits and weight loss, but the weight didn't move and I keep wondering where the heck the food is all going since a lot of it doesn't seem to be leaving me!
Tomorrow I'm cooking a big seasoned briskett, as well as all this chili verde, so I will have a bunch of food frozen and refrigerated. Once the briskett is done, I think I might make burritos with lowcarb tortillas and pre-shredded cheese and wrap them tight in foil and freeze, for some nukable meals of that too.
Did you notice the nifty Flickr flash picture thing down on the left nav? I saw that at Lady Atkins' great blog and got myself one.
Anyway. I keep thinking that I have energy and get really upbeat about wanting to DO something (for once), and it goes well, but I tire out much sooner than I expect. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is... ah... not used to exercise. My body isn't yet keeping up with my enthusiasm!
.
Yesterday I did two more stages in the chocolate muffin with lowcarb and high protein experiment. By version 1.7 (seven trials), I think it's pretty damn good personally. You could put cream cheese frosting on it and call it a cupcake. It does require some LC ingredients at least if you make it like I did. I call them Cocoa Muffins v1.7 (recipe link here). (If you're not a lowcarber.org member, here's a link to an image that has the recipe, nutrition count, instructions.)
Edit 1/8/07: Use version 1.8, here instead for much moister, chocolatey-er muffins. However, the calorie/fat count on this version is much higher, as it upped the oil a lot.
Today I spent three solid hours walking walmart with a heavy basket that cost me over 1/3 my paycheck. Sheesh! But I got a ton of kitchen utensils and stuff like that which I needed, and a bunch of meat for some major prep cooking, and as usual the kid made out like a bandit by the time it was over, with a new sweater, tennis shoes, a bunch of art supplies, and some fruit juices she wanted. I've made it clear that at the end of January when her dad departs, this house is lowcarb and that means her too, so she is living it up while she can!
It was more exercise without cease than I've done in eons. I was getting kind of weary and my back was "thinking about maybe complaining" when I finally got home, got the stuff in the kitchen and sat down.
Later around 11pm I got enthused and energetic again and decided I would go ahead and make the chili verde now instead of later. So I spent 1.5 hours just cleaning and chopping the various ingredients, only to realize I was very tired and my lower back was starting to complain. Then I realized I still had to cut up nearly 10lbs of pork and brown the outside before I could put everything in the crockpot.
I gave up my pride and begged my soon-to-be-ex husband to do it. Which was SO impolite, since it was 12:30am by the time I suggested he spend 90 minutes doing that! But he did and so tomorrow morning around 9:30am we will have a big ol' pot of chili verde. And there is more meat and less veg than usual this time so it's super lowcarb/high protein.
I'm frustrated that I keep forgetting to weigh, but when I did, my weight wasn't changing. I'm not moving fast enough to meet my goal in this 12 week cycle if I don't get my butt in gear. As of last Monday (a week ago), I finally got my protein up to an average of 100+g per day and my water to a minimum of 2qt per day. I thought this would greatly up my restroom habits and weight loss, but the weight didn't move and I keep wondering where the heck the food is all going since a lot of it doesn't seem to be leaving me!
Tomorrow I'm cooking a big seasoned briskett, as well as all this chili verde, so I will have a bunch of food frozen and refrigerated. Once the briskett is done, I think I might make burritos with lowcarb tortillas and pre-shredded cheese and wrap them tight in foil and freeze, for some nukable meals of that too.
Did you notice the nifty Flickr flash picture thing down on the left nav? I saw that at Lady Atkins' great blog and got myself one.
Anyway. I keep thinking that I have energy and get really upbeat about wanting to DO something (for once), and it goes well, but I tire out much sooner than I expect. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is... ah... not used to exercise. My body isn't yet keeping up with my enthusiasm!
.
Friday, January 5
Seat Belts
Six months ago I was stopped by a police officer in a neighboring town. He was so young and beautiful. Damn.
He suggested that I had to wear my seat belt. I explained to him that I couldn't. My '88 Cad seatbelt didn't begin to fit, I had been unable to find any info online or at dealer about an extension. One of the bizarre things I never knew is that almost every car's seatbelt is unique. So there is no such thing as an extension that would fit any seatbelt. He said he understood, warned me I might be stopped by others, wished me well.
As he walked away, I muttered under my breath, "Loovvvvve a man in uniform."
At the same instant, my incorrigible ten year old turns to watch him walk away, her eyes wide, and breathes, "He oughtta be AN UNDERWEAR MODEL!"
I nearly choked! What on earth does SHE know about underwear models?! My gosh!
Hilarious. But that's beside the point of this post...
Today I did the normal routine. Pull half the strap around the front of me, as much around my waist as possible -- and I realized...
It fits. Not only that, it wasn't even any real problem to fasten it. It's snug, but not insanely so.
Maybe I am one of the few people who would be proud of being able to wear a seatbelt, but there you go. One more sign lowcarb is working.
.
He suggested that I had to wear my seat belt. I explained to him that I couldn't. My '88 Cad seatbelt didn't begin to fit, I had been unable to find any info online or at dealer about an extension. One of the bizarre things I never knew is that almost every car's seatbelt is unique. So there is no such thing as an extension that would fit any seatbelt. He said he understood, warned me I might be stopped by others, wished me well.
As he walked away, I muttered under my breath, "Loovvvvve a man in uniform."
At the same instant, my incorrigible ten year old turns to watch him walk away, her eyes wide, and breathes, "He oughtta be AN UNDERWEAR MODEL!"
I nearly choked! What on earth does SHE know about underwear models?! My gosh!
Hilarious. But that's beside the point of this post...
Today I did the normal routine. Pull half the strap around the front of me, as much around my waist as possible -- and I realized...
It fits. Not only that, it wasn't even any real problem to fasten it. It's snug, but not insanely so.
Maybe I am one of the few people who would be proud of being able to wear a seatbelt, but there you go. One more sign lowcarb is working.
.
LowCarb: Examples of My Improvement
I thought I would do a summary of what has changed with me since I went on lowcarb at 2am September 18, 2006. Just to remind myself.
Sometimes, "better health" is almost like when pain goes away -- after a short time you forget it ever existed; you forget to be properly appreciative for the better state you're now in!
o0o
I want to mention as a preliminary thanks: My cardiologist "wrote me a prescription" for The Protein Power Lifeplan book by the Drs. Eades. Had it not been for him, I am not sure I would ever have found -- or believed in -- this eating plan. He never pushed it on me. He never even told me to go on a diet. He simply said, "This will help you, if you're interested." I was. And it sure has!
And of course, had the book not been information-packed, yet highly readable, even interesting, and something that genuinely gave me hope, I might not have gone farther. I also read two of Dr. Atkins's books. These people are changing the world, one body at a time.
o0o
First I lost a bucketload of retained water in my tissues. No longer swollen up and bloated everywhere. Much more limber. More energy. No more feeling a painful bruise if a kid or cat barely leaned on me.
My sleep improved. I could actually sleep mostly through the night, to begin with, which was novel. I could wake up fully, without feeling like at some point in my sleep I'd been run over by a freight train. I lost some degree of the total exhaustion that the combination of weight, bloating, and sleep deprivation had combined to.
My mental clarity improved. I could think more clearly, and my memory was better (though better sleep might be part of this too!). My general mood and frame of mind was improved. That makes sense... since the more exhausted you are, the more everything aches and hurts, the less cheerful one is likely to be.
My acid reflux vanished. No more choking on burning vomit. Cheers to that, mate! I tried to tell a friend of mine how well it had worked for me and encouraged her to try it. Of course, she wouldn't. The doctor says high-fat and low-carb is bad for you, she says; now she is on a chronic medication to prevent or minimize her acid reflux. Hmmmn. Steak vs. drugs. Hard to believe anybody would find the latter healthier!
My asthma went away. If I am really emotional plus over-exercising at the same time, I will still manifest a little of it, but the chronic wheezing and oxygen deprivation that filled every minute of my life vanished. No need for inhalers now. I keep an albuterol in my purse in case I should ever have some major episode but I never use anything now... I don't need it. Apparently it is at least partly related to gluten, to which I am sensitive, but didn't know until I went lowcarb. When I eat two lowcarb tortillas or other gluten product, I get the tiniest bit of asthma about 24-36 hours later, but I don't do that often and otherwise, I have none, since my average diet removed all the gluten-containing foods I used to eat constantly.
My complexion is a little clearer now, most of the time at least. Increased water intake might be partly responsible for this, but increased fat intake -- fat is used for skin and soft tissue cells -- is probably the main reason.
I lost 100 pounds so far. Do you have ANY idea how much easier and less exhausting it is when you lose 20%+ of your massive bodyweight fairly quickly? It's amazing.
My feet are smaller. I fit into a pair of tennis shoes and for the first time in years I am wearing shoes with some kind of decent support. I used to "hobble". Every step was terribly painful. All that weight on my poor feet, with no real support. Now I walk comfortably with nary a thought to my feet.
My thighs are smaller. When I started, I could hardly stand on my scale, even with its slightly oversized footprint, because it required squeezing my legs together so hard to get both feet next to each other on the scale! Now it's not really a big deal to put both feet on the scale and stand there.
My butt is smaller. When I started, I couldn't get into the largest size pants I could buy -- 6x -- now they fit me very comfortably. I don't wear them plain -- I always wear skirts -- but I wear soft pants under the skirts now. This is the first winter I have not been wearing a skirt with nothing under it and open shoes when it was 20 degrees below freezing. It's surprisingly more comfortable now.
I can walk better. Excessive fat puts the spine out of alignment and displaces the hips' ability to have the normal range of motion for walking. Last September when I began this eating plan, I could not even stand up for 30 seconds without my back hurting. After two minutes I was in agony. Even walking across the house wasn't easy. I could not walk around Walmart to shop. I didn't ride the electric cart, I simply avoided shopping entirely, pawning it off on other people to help me. Now I can walk around super Walmart for an hour and I am at the most kind of weary; no back pain at all. I can take my kid to the movies without it being a major event to get in and out. I can even consider stopping by a store AFTER that. Amazing.
I can sure move more, aerobically. If I did have to walk somewhere, such as from the car to a building, I had to walk more slowly than someone very old with a walker, or my breathing would get erratic, asthma would kick in (exercise induced asthma: the body can't get oxygen to that much body fast enough), my heart would pound dangerously -- in short, I could barely move without imminent risk of a heart attack. Now I can not only walk around, but I can walk at a normal human pace, sometimes even briskly for very short distances, without breathing overly hard. This is not just because I lost weight, it is because my protein uptake and oxygen increase has enabled my muscles to better utilize the oxygen my heart pumps to them. Even without losing weight, improving those two issues for severely obese people can help a lot.
I can do things that require muscle much better now. I can walk up stairs without having to put both feet on each stair like a little child. I can do so without using my arm(s) on the handrail for extensive muscle support. I can get out of my car (which is low, so requires lifting UP out of it) without having to desperately push against the door and seat -- in fact, I can simply slide out from under that steering wheel much more easily, and lift myself that small way on one leg comfortably. I can step on and off curbs far more easily. I can actually lift a leg UP enough to step over things -- or to step into pants.
The whole top half of my body is smaller. I had several new 5x tanks with built-in shelf bras that I had bought and barely worn. They were comfortable but a little loose -- the straps a bit too long -- to begin with. Now they literally fall off me in every dimension. I might as well give them away. Meanwhile I had a few 4x very thick, tight sports shirt-bra things I'd bought that I could barely get into (let alone out of) that now fit very comfortably. These are ideal for exercise. Now if I would just do some. :-)
I can experiment in the kitchen now. When I began, even 5 minutes to try and put food together for myself was a horrible thing with my back hurting, my feet aching, and exhaustion taking over me. I couldn't even make an actual dinner. Now I go in the kitchen for 30-60 minutes and do experiments with all kinds of new lowcarb foods. I brought my CD/MP3 player into the kitchen and my little girl and I dance around in there as I prepare things.
Tonight, I made a yummy "Egg Cake Choconuke" which is my term for a rich cocoa-fudge "mock danish" as some call it. It was divine. The kid helped measure and stir and we split it. Single small serving for each and we were happy. (Recipe: 2 large eggs, 2oz cream cheese, 2 tsp dutched high butterfat cocoa powder, 1.25 tsp Fiberfit™ sweetener powder (equiv to 10 tsp sweetener), mixed well in rounded cheap glad plastic bowl, and nuked it in that for a couple minutes (+/- depending on microwave). Eat with a spoon. Like a cross between cake and bread pudding, depending on your liquid content. Each serving: 2.56ECC, 5.97Protein.) Gee whiz. Low carb is so HARD, hahaha!
But seriously: most of my food is yummy meat-based dishes I make in the crockpot. A lot of the rest is some form of eggs. And I love cheese, so I often have that in or on food, or even as a major food (such as a bunch in a lowcarb tortilla, with some herbs and spices, grilled as a quesadilla). I like peppers so they are my main vegetable, though I sometimes have salad, onions or broccoli as well. I try to eat several times a day in small doses and drink a lot of water. The important part is that I am never hungry, I eat stuff that tastes great, and I'm losing weight anyway.
The changes in me over the last nearly-4 months are not just in body and mind though. Some are also in what you might call heart and soul.
I have been set free. Another way of putting this would be: I am getting divorced. Now people might think this is a bad thing, or unfortunate. Quite the contrary. My husband and I are on very good terms.
The end of my dsyfunctionally continuing to support a man who won't work for a living, won't spend time with his kid, totally over-dominates my living space, has to be driven everywhere like a child, makes a disaster of my house and landscape, and has zero relationship with me, all this for eleven years (!), is at an end. Thanks to lowcarb, I was able to escape the brain-fog, and the exhaustion-based terror of being unable to fend for myself let alone my child, that has kept me in "needy dependency" on him.
I have more "SENSE OF SELF." I am not angry and we are not 'fighting' (you can't fight with a passive/aggressive anyway), I have just recognized that I am a decent person, and I deserve a man who loves me, and my child will be better off with a happy, functional, clean and workable home and visiting her father, rather than living in squalor and misery with him local. I deserve a man who does something constructive with his life and mine, instead of living on eBay and video games all day. I deserve a real "relationship." I put all those years into it, and he can go make his own living now. I am taking charge of making a nice house and environment and life for me and my little girl.
I have taken up music again. Songwriting, guitar and vocals were literally my life from the time I was a small child until my early-mid 20's when I suddenly gained a ton of weight and abruptly had to give up music, as I was too mortified to be in front of anybody. I have lost that greatly needed creative and emotional outlet, probably at a high cost to my psyche. I have let that back in again and am playing, singing, writing, for the first time in 17 years. It's like some "alive" part of me that had been closed down and boarded up and buried, is running through me again, making me remember more of "myself" and what I feel and what has meaning to me.
I have gone back to a lot more prayer and appreciation of life again. When I was so much more exhausted, mentally-muddy, easily hurt or injured, for some reason it was more difficult to concentrate on anything, including any sense of spirit, and I often felt sad or angry or depressed instead of positive. I feel more clear now, not just mentally, but even in terms of my relationship with what I consider the Divine.
It has been 108 days since I went lowcarb. All of these things have happened within this timeframe. That is less than 4 months.
If you are severely obese, can you imagine turning your life around like that? Can you imagine finding someone to love -- and it turns out to be yourself? Can you imagine so radically improving your life that you feel like a whole new person? It can happen.
It takes some planning, some shopping, some crockpot cooking is easiest, and the determination to NOT eat carb-laden foods -- instead, once you finish the "detox" of the initial eating plan (so you drop a lot of the carb cravings), just learn to make food you love! -- it can be done.
I am living proof that a person can go from nearly 500 lbs, barely being able to walk or even stand, hardly functioning at all in the world others know, unable to do their own shopping, cooking, or cleaning -- to a much more vivacious, physically and mentally competent, creative person who finally feels hope for a future again.
The timeframe for everyone is different. Men tend to lose faster than women. Some women can lose 100lbs in 9 weeks and some it takes a year. It depends on how much weight you start with, what you eat, how much water you drink, what exercise you do, what supplements you take, and how focused you are on your goals mentally. But I have not done much that is special besides WANT IT and eat lowcarb. And in less than four months I have accomplished this.
I might be dead already if I hadn't. That is what made me go on lowcarb at 2:00 AM one morning a few days after my birthday, when I realized I could barely walk, stand, or function as a human being anymore. When I realized the chance of me being around for my little girl in two years, let alone when she is someday having her own child, were growing more slim by the minute.
I am still too shy for posting pictures, but I do have before and after photos. In perhaps another 50 lbs I hope to have the courage to post them.
A special thanks always to Dr. Richard Atkins, and Drs. Mary Dan and Michael Eades, whose books and good works helped inspire, encourage and educate me.
Thanks to lowcarb eating, for the first time in 17 years, I am finally truly ALIVE.
PJ
.
Sometimes, "better health" is almost like when pain goes away -- after a short time you forget it ever existed; you forget to be properly appreciative for the better state you're now in!
o0o
I want to mention as a preliminary thanks: My cardiologist "wrote me a prescription" for The Protein Power Lifeplan book by the Drs. Eades. Had it not been for him, I am not sure I would ever have found -- or believed in -- this eating plan. He never pushed it on me. He never even told me to go on a diet. He simply said, "This will help you, if you're interested." I was. And it sure has!
And of course, had the book not been information-packed, yet highly readable, even interesting, and something that genuinely gave me hope, I might not have gone farther. I also read two of Dr. Atkins's books. These people are changing the world, one body at a time.
o0o
First I lost a bucketload of retained water in my tissues. No longer swollen up and bloated everywhere. Much more limber. More energy. No more feeling a painful bruise if a kid or cat barely leaned on me.
My sleep improved. I could actually sleep mostly through the night, to begin with, which was novel. I could wake up fully, without feeling like at some point in my sleep I'd been run over by a freight train. I lost some degree of the total exhaustion that the combination of weight, bloating, and sleep deprivation had combined to.
My mental clarity improved. I could think more clearly, and my memory was better (though better sleep might be part of this too!). My general mood and frame of mind was improved. That makes sense... since the more exhausted you are, the more everything aches and hurts, the less cheerful one is likely to be.
My acid reflux vanished. No more choking on burning vomit. Cheers to that, mate! I tried to tell a friend of mine how well it had worked for me and encouraged her to try it. Of course, she wouldn't. The doctor says high-fat and low-carb is bad for you, she says; now she is on a chronic medication to prevent or minimize her acid reflux. Hmmmn. Steak vs. drugs. Hard to believe anybody would find the latter healthier!
My asthma went away. If I am really emotional plus over-exercising at the same time, I will still manifest a little of it, but the chronic wheezing and oxygen deprivation that filled every minute of my life vanished. No need for inhalers now. I keep an albuterol in my purse in case I should ever have some major episode but I never use anything now... I don't need it. Apparently it is at least partly related to gluten, to which I am sensitive, but didn't know until I went lowcarb. When I eat two lowcarb tortillas or other gluten product, I get the tiniest bit of asthma about 24-36 hours later, but I don't do that often and otherwise, I have none, since my average diet removed all the gluten-containing foods I used to eat constantly.
My complexion is a little clearer now, most of the time at least. Increased water intake might be partly responsible for this, but increased fat intake -- fat is used for skin and soft tissue cells -- is probably the main reason.
I lost 100 pounds so far. Do you have ANY idea how much easier and less exhausting it is when you lose 20%+ of your massive bodyweight fairly quickly? It's amazing.
My feet are smaller. I fit into a pair of tennis shoes and for the first time in years I am wearing shoes with some kind of decent support. I used to "hobble". Every step was terribly painful. All that weight on my poor feet, with no real support. Now I walk comfortably with nary a thought to my feet.
My thighs are smaller. When I started, I could hardly stand on my scale, even with its slightly oversized footprint, because it required squeezing my legs together so hard to get both feet next to each other on the scale! Now it's not really a big deal to put both feet on the scale and stand there.
My butt is smaller. When I started, I couldn't get into the largest size pants I could buy -- 6x -- now they fit me very comfortably. I don't wear them plain -- I always wear skirts -- but I wear soft pants under the skirts now. This is the first winter I have not been wearing a skirt with nothing under it and open shoes when it was 20 degrees below freezing. It's surprisingly more comfortable now.
I can walk better. Excessive fat puts the spine out of alignment and displaces the hips' ability to have the normal range of motion for walking. Last September when I began this eating plan, I could not even stand up for 30 seconds without my back hurting. After two minutes I was in agony. Even walking across the house wasn't easy. I could not walk around Walmart to shop. I didn't ride the electric cart, I simply avoided shopping entirely, pawning it off on other people to help me. Now I can walk around super Walmart for an hour and I am at the most kind of weary; no back pain at all. I can take my kid to the movies without it being a major event to get in and out. I can even consider stopping by a store AFTER that. Amazing.
I can sure move more, aerobically. If I did have to walk somewhere, such as from the car to a building, I had to walk more slowly than someone very old with a walker, or my breathing would get erratic, asthma would kick in (exercise induced asthma: the body can't get oxygen to that much body fast enough), my heart would pound dangerously -- in short, I could barely move without imminent risk of a heart attack. Now I can not only walk around, but I can walk at a normal human pace, sometimes even briskly for very short distances, without breathing overly hard. This is not just because I lost weight, it is because my protein uptake and oxygen increase has enabled my muscles to better utilize the oxygen my heart pumps to them. Even without losing weight, improving those two issues for severely obese people can help a lot.
I can do things that require muscle much better now. I can walk up stairs without having to put both feet on each stair like a little child. I can do so without using my arm(s) on the handrail for extensive muscle support. I can get out of my car (which is low, so requires lifting UP out of it) without having to desperately push against the door and seat -- in fact, I can simply slide out from under that steering wheel much more easily, and lift myself that small way on one leg comfortably. I can step on and off curbs far more easily. I can actually lift a leg UP enough to step over things -- or to step into pants.
The whole top half of my body is smaller. I had several new 5x tanks with built-in shelf bras that I had bought and barely worn. They were comfortable but a little loose -- the straps a bit too long -- to begin with. Now they literally fall off me in every dimension. I might as well give them away. Meanwhile I had a few 4x very thick, tight sports shirt-bra things I'd bought that I could barely get into (let alone out of) that now fit very comfortably. These are ideal for exercise. Now if I would just do some. :-)
I can experiment in the kitchen now. When I began, even 5 minutes to try and put food together for myself was a horrible thing with my back hurting, my feet aching, and exhaustion taking over me. I couldn't even make an actual dinner. Now I go in the kitchen for 30-60 minutes and do experiments with all kinds of new lowcarb foods. I brought my CD/MP3 player into the kitchen and my little girl and I dance around in there as I prepare things.
Tonight, I made a yummy "Egg Cake Choconuke" which is my term for a rich cocoa-fudge "mock danish" as some call it. It was divine. The kid helped measure and stir and we split it. Single small serving for each and we were happy. (Recipe: 2 large eggs, 2oz cream cheese, 2 tsp dutched high butterfat cocoa powder, 1.25 tsp Fiberfit™ sweetener powder (equiv to 10 tsp sweetener), mixed well in rounded cheap glad plastic bowl, and nuked it in that for a couple minutes (+/- depending on microwave). Eat with a spoon. Like a cross between cake and bread pudding, depending on your liquid content. Each serving: 2.56ECC, 5.97Protein.) Gee whiz. Low carb is so HARD, hahaha!
But seriously: most of my food is yummy meat-based dishes I make in the crockpot. A lot of the rest is some form of eggs. And I love cheese, so I often have that in or on food, or even as a major food (such as a bunch in a lowcarb tortilla, with some herbs and spices, grilled as a quesadilla). I like peppers so they are my main vegetable, though I sometimes have salad, onions or broccoli as well. I try to eat several times a day in small doses and drink a lot of water. The important part is that I am never hungry, I eat stuff that tastes great, and I'm losing weight anyway.
The changes in me over the last nearly-4 months are not just in body and mind though. Some are also in what you might call heart and soul.
I have been set free. Another way of putting this would be: I am getting divorced. Now people might think this is a bad thing, or unfortunate. Quite the contrary. My husband and I are on very good terms.
The end of my dsyfunctionally continuing to support a man who won't work for a living, won't spend time with his kid, totally over-dominates my living space, has to be driven everywhere like a child, makes a disaster of my house and landscape, and has zero relationship with me, all this for eleven years (!), is at an end. Thanks to lowcarb, I was able to escape the brain-fog, and the exhaustion-based terror of being unable to fend for myself let alone my child, that has kept me in "needy dependency" on him.
I have more "SENSE OF SELF." I am not angry and we are not 'fighting' (you can't fight with a passive/aggressive anyway), I have just recognized that I am a decent person, and I deserve a man who loves me, and my child will be better off with a happy, functional, clean and workable home and visiting her father, rather than living in squalor and misery with him local. I deserve a man who does something constructive with his life and mine, instead of living on eBay and video games all day. I deserve a real "relationship." I put all those years into it, and he can go make his own living now. I am taking charge of making a nice house and environment and life for me and my little girl.
I have taken up music again. Songwriting, guitar and vocals were literally my life from the time I was a small child until my early-mid 20's when I suddenly gained a ton of weight and abruptly had to give up music, as I was too mortified to be in front of anybody. I have lost that greatly needed creative and emotional outlet, probably at a high cost to my psyche. I have let that back in again and am playing, singing, writing, for the first time in 17 years. It's like some "alive" part of me that had been closed down and boarded up and buried, is running through me again, making me remember more of "myself" and what I feel and what has meaning to me.
I have gone back to a lot more prayer and appreciation of life again. When I was so much more exhausted, mentally-muddy, easily hurt or injured, for some reason it was more difficult to concentrate on anything, including any sense of spirit, and I often felt sad or angry or depressed instead of positive. I feel more clear now, not just mentally, but even in terms of my relationship with what I consider the Divine.
It has been 108 days since I went lowcarb. All of these things have happened within this timeframe. That is less than 4 months.
If you are severely obese, can you imagine turning your life around like that? Can you imagine finding someone to love -- and it turns out to be yourself? Can you imagine so radically improving your life that you feel like a whole new person? It can happen.
It takes some planning, some shopping, some crockpot cooking is easiest, and the determination to NOT eat carb-laden foods -- instead, once you finish the "detox" of the initial eating plan (so you drop a lot of the carb cravings), just learn to make food you love! -- it can be done.
I am living proof that a person can go from nearly 500 lbs, barely being able to walk or even stand, hardly functioning at all in the world others know, unable to do their own shopping, cooking, or cleaning -- to a much more vivacious, physically and mentally competent, creative person who finally feels hope for a future again.
The timeframe for everyone is different. Men tend to lose faster than women. Some women can lose 100lbs in 9 weeks and some it takes a year. It depends on how much weight you start with, what you eat, how much water you drink, what exercise you do, what supplements you take, and how focused you are on your goals mentally. But I have not done much that is special besides WANT IT and eat lowcarb. And in less than four months I have accomplished this.
I might be dead already if I hadn't. That is what made me go on lowcarb at 2:00 AM one morning a few days after my birthday, when I realized I could barely walk, stand, or function as a human being anymore. When I realized the chance of me being around for my little girl in two years, let alone when she is someday having her own child, were growing more slim by the minute.
I am still too shy for posting pictures, but I do have before and after photos. In perhaps another 50 lbs I hope to have the courage to post them.
A special thanks always to Dr. Richard Atkins, and Drs. Mary Dan and Michael Eades, whose books and good works helped inspire, encourage and educate me.
Thanks to lowcarb eating, for the first time in 17 years, I am finally truly ALIVE.
PJ
.
Monday, January 1
It's the New Year!!
Year 2007 Resolutions
SECTION A: Me Me Me
A1. I resolve to stop for at least 15 seconds within the first 30 minutes of waking up each day, to concentrate on FEELING GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE, and FEELING LOVED, and FEELING HOPE ABOUT MY FUTURE. And to say, "Please help me" to the Divine. 15 seconds. How hard is this?
A2. I resolve for one year, this year, to care more about myself than others. My first duty is to myself. When I am happy and cared for, I can be of better help to all -- and a better, stronger example for my daughter. My motto is WWXD: What Would Xena Do?
A3. I resolve to bring regular exercise, at least 3 times per week to begin, into my life. This may have to begin with little more than counting how many seconds I can hold a half sit-up and things like that: that is fine. But it has to be something.
A4. I resolve to make a genuine effort to get at least 6 hours of sleep per night. If this means I don't get as much done and see my best friend less, then that is what it means. My health, my weight loss, my attitude, my mental clarity, are paramount.
A5. I resolve, when affordable, to get my nails done regularly. Though the left hand must be super-short, keeping the right hand short to moderate length but strong will be great for guitar, and keeping them up and painted will be a small concession to luxury and taking care of myself.
A6. I resolve to do at least one archetype meditation per week that is specific to either weight/size-loss, health, or something else important in my life. It doesn't have to take a long time. The impact of these on my reality is profound. There is no excuse for not taking 15 minutes for this.
That is all for the ME category.
I COME FIRST.
SECTION B: Kid Kid Kid
B1. I resolve as of February on to bring my entire house into lowcarb eating. I will supply fruits for snack, LC bread and LC tortillas, but otherwise the child will have to learn to eat lowcarb. There is no excuse as a mother for feeding her crap because it is faster/easier/she begs. She's nearly fat. My responsibility as a mother is to her health, more than to my convenience.
B2. I resolve to get the kid to bed at a decent hour nightly and without bedtime carbs. She is chronically sleep deprived, often unsupervised during the night, and has learned disrespect for my efforts on this front. Aside from which it probably greatly affects her HGH output and metabolism. I will do what is needed because that is my duty as a loving mother.
B3. I resolve to make the kid do stuff with me. Allowing her to play video games or whatever instead of helping me cook, allowing her to do no chores but be messy, is just bad for her, and it diminishes time spent together and her sense of contribution to our mutual life.
That is all for the KID category.
BETTER PARENTING NOW.
SECTION C: Food Food Food
C1. I resolve to use a kitchen timer so that every 90 minutes from waking to sleeping, I am reminded to drink as much water as I can hold. At the most this should involve approximately 6 minutes per day. Six minutes to greatly improve my weight loss, my skin hydration, my health. I can do this. This means filtering water and filling water bottles at night or morning. YES, I can do this.
C2. I resolve to take at least two days per month to do some major LC cooking that can be stored in the freezer. Examples: chili verde, chicken stew, a big turkey, big meatballs, LC burritos. It can make the diff between LC turkey and pepperjack with fresh vegg quesadilla for me and kid vs..... junk or starving.
C3. I resolve to at least mention my food a minimum of 5 out of 7 days per week in my lowcarb journal. Inattention to my eating (and to eating at all) contributes to poorer upkeep of the matter.
C4. I resolve to arrange for my breakfast the night before, so it has pre-planning and is more likely to happen. This is the hardest meal of the day for me so far, but it hugely affects how hungry I am and the effort I will make to eat the rest of the day. Now that I know several foods I can prepare in bulk, there is no reason why I can't arrange for something, even if it's just a couple mini-muffins, a couple meatballs, whatever.
That is all for the FOOD category.
FOOD IS A TOOL: USE IT WISELY.
SECTION D: Others Others Others
D1. I resolve to make a list of the people I need to communicate with and to make a point to email or write them something at least every six weeks. I am falling out of touch with people who care about me and hurting their feelings. It does not take much effort! Just a little organization.
D2. I resolve to visit my grandmother for a couple hours at least once a month. She's old, she lives 5 blocks away, there is just no excuse for not doing so. Ry must come. She can read a book if she's bored but she needs to learn that this is a family responsibility. When I am old I hope someone visits ME.
That is all for the "others" category.
CHARITY STARTS AT HOME.
And that is my 2007 list of resolutions!
I AM QUEEN OF MY DESTINY! RULE WELL.
Here's to a fabulous 2007!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.
Monday, December 11
Bad Relationships and Tea Time
It all started when I (don't faint) ate Pizza on Saturday night. Note the capital: pizza is a holiday for me. I love pizza more than any other food on earth except quality milk chocolate. Of course, chocolate does not make me swell up (gluten response), get asthma and other issues, like 5-10 lbs overnight weight gain (one assumes 'water'). Pizza does. But I love it. Damn it.
And had I not been overcarbing just a tad the few days prior I would never have made that decision -- I would have eaten just toppings, or made something at home -- but carb-sins are cumulative and they are not forgiven by your body until you have some time and water to put them behind you. A few extra carbs often won't hurt you (as long as you're not in induction), but a few carbs a few days in a row will start seducing your appetite and taste buds in subtle, insidious ways.
I backslid right past the greasy thick pan crust all the way into two cups of Southern Comfort eggnog. Amazing how hard you can hit something when moving backward.
By the time I was well into Sunday, I had almost every "carb-life" symptom that I lost when I went low carb, all the way down to exhaustion, short of breath, and aching feet. By the time it was Sunday evening, I was just laughing about it. It was like some guilty conscience on my part was totally exaggerating every effect just so I could be a real drama queen about it!
But it got me thinking.
I used to ALWAYS feel that way.
Before low carb de-possessed me of all the foods it turns out I've been mildly allergic to all my life and never knew it.
Before low carb made me drop the massive water that the body held to process the carbs my "normal" eating habits involved.
Before low carb made me pay attention to protein and carb loads so I wouldn't all but pass out from the blood sugar drop awhile after eating.
o0o
So, on a seemingly separate subject, my personal life continues to be a real dilemma. I suppose it is perfectly normal for people to live in misery and non-relationships with their spouses for whole lifetimes, with not much more than whining to their girlfriends or buddies about it. But I am learning the stark reality of what obesity has really done with the last 15 years of my life.
I haven't lived the life of "quiet desperation" -- thanks to severe obesity, I've lived the life of "quiet exhaustion."
Like: I won't notice if you won't work for a living, if you'll carry in the groceries, because I'm so exhausted after shopping I want to cry. Most people would have to run a marathon and starve for 3 days to be as exhausted as one walmart visit can make someone who weighs over 400lbs. But don't let it show. Smile at the neighbors. Don't hobble on the aching feet. Try to stay up with the kid, who being a kid will smell your weakness and push her advantage when she knows you haven't the energy to argue.
Like: I won't mind that we don't have a relationship and haven't for 11 of 12 years because at least my kid has a dad. Sort of. Even if you don't contribute to the family. Even if you don't pay any real attention to the kid. Even if despite a weekly maid you make the living environment a cluttered pig sty I'm too exhausted to clean, and too busy working anyway, and so just live in the unhappiness of not wanting even to eat (let alone cook) because the place grosses me out. Men are pigs. Not all men. But definitely this one.
Like: I won't expect more from my life. My parents make it clear that at my weight I should almost be grateful that some useless SOB is willing to leech off me as an intentionally underemployed roommate who at this point occupies 50%+ of the space in a house of three people. Doesn't drive so I get to be taxi service on moments off work, or even give up my lunch hour to be taxi. Doesn't work so never, ever, ever leaves. I crave solitude to the degree of envying the indian monks in their caves. I haven't the energy to even think about doing anything besides "surviving another day" anyway, so what difference does a detail like "a relationship" make?
Now that Low Carb has given me some of "me" back, by clearing my mind and energizing my body and giving me hope for my future, I find that my perspective on life, and what I deserve in life, is changing.
You can see where this is going already can't you.
o0o
So in thinking about these two subjects together, it occurred to me that when you think about it, eating foods that are wrong for you is rather like a dysfunctional relationship.
You are really drawn to it. You think you really enjoy it at first. Then you pay the price for it... and it just goes ON and ON.
Until one day you say, I refuse to be cowed by guilt over whether or not certain foods "should" be okay to eat. I don't give a damn if whole-grain bread and corn "should" be healthy. It is not some kind of moral judgement day -- it is just about how I feel when I interact with that. Maybe there isn't even a good or bad, and that kind of thinking distracts us from the real point of it all: that we must measure our lives by "what works for us," and if we are unable to recognize when something is an abysmal failure for us and get it out of our lives, then who should?
We are the CEOs of our bodies, and of our lives. It is up to us to make executive decisions that are the most productive and healthy for the corporal entity. It doesn't matter if it is food, hobby, or relationships: it's all the same question: what is good for me? What contributes to my present and my future?
o0o
I was reading this woman's journal and she says, "I've dated a little recently, and..." and I look at her profile.
She weighs 385 pounds.
I've been bred to a world of performers (in music), where if you weren't perfect by hollywood or at least rock&roll standards, you were pond scum. Women over 30lbs overweight were The Untouchables. Men would date a skanky disease-ridden bleached groupie before they would date a truly beautiful and intelligent woman who "needed to lose a little weight." And that's a LITTLE weight, mind you. Not hundreds of pounds. Obviously, my upbringing has severely skewed my beliefs about women, appearance, and myself. I hadn't really thought about that much before now.
But suddenly I am realizing that it is true. My beliefs about myself have been totally distorted. And maybe that is part of why I have continued to live in a relationship that has no respect or positive contribution to me whatsoever.
I don't know that I want to have a full time relationship with anybody right now. Hell, I've been married a dozen years and I haven't had even a part-time relationship for the last 11. I'm used to being alone emotionally and overcrowded physically. I don't mind it, I tell myself. But then I realize that not all women feel hideous when they are fat. Maybe they feel really fat, maybe they feel badly about it, but probably not to the degree I always have. I didn't just have a complex about it. I literally dismissed myself from the entire gene and social pool as a "given" and just didn't think about it again. Some women question themselves or their worthiness and come up short. I dismissed mine as even being worth questioning a long time ago.
Low carb has become therapy.
I know this is a little heavier than most my blog posts, no pun intended. But that is what I'm feeling today.
o0o
Meanwhile back at the... small tract home in Oklahoma, I splurged and bought myself a christmas gift: tea. Seriously!
I bought two nice ceramic mugs with infusers, and several kinds of tea (Earl Grey, Chai, and some samplers). I have a little chinese-style altar table in my room (I have a room of my own, and though it's the smallest in the house, it's my sanctuary). There is no reason why I couldn't make a habit of getting up a bit early, making some hot tea, and then just sitting and meditating, praying or whatever for awhile.
Before I gotta get the kid up, and repeatedly harrass her until she is ready for school. Before I gotta get the husband up, because his interminable eBay boxes are coming in for delivery in our warehouse-slash-living room. Before I have to work, with the like 150 emails per day I'm getting lately so I can't even stay afloat let alone catch up.
Just some hot tea... and eyes closed... and a little time for me.
So I can think about how my life is changing from the life of Quiet Exhaustion, to the life of Cautious But Growing Optimism.
So I can think about how "if only I had the energy to do XYZ and felt good, I would--" oh... wait! It turns out, I DO!
I feel as if I am re-sculpting my life, and not just my body.
I don't know what next week will bring. First things first. It's tea time.
.
And had I not been overcarbing just a tad the few days prior I would never have made that decision -- I would have eaten just toppings, or made something at home -- but carb-sins are cumulative and they are not forgiven by your body until you have some time and water to put them behind you. A few extra carbs often won't hurt you (as long as you're not in induction), but a few carbs a few days in a row will start seducing your appetite and taste buds in subtle, insidious ways.
Somebody's knockin; should I let him in?
Lord it's the devil, would you look at him?
I'd heard about him, but I never dreamed
He'd have blue eyes and blue jeans
-- Terry Gibbs (who is blind)
I backslid right past the greasy thick pan crust all the way into two cups of Southern Comfort eggnog. Amazing how hard you can hit something when moving backward.
By the time I was well into Sunday, I had almost every "carb-life" symptom that I lost when I went low carb, all the way down to exhaustion, short of breath, and aching feet. By the time it was Sunday evening, I was just laughing about it. It was like some guilty conscience on my part was totally exaggerating every effect just so I could be a real drama queen about it!
But it got me thinking.
I used to ALWAYS feel that way.
Before low carb de-possessed me of all the foods it turns out I've been mildly allergic to all my life and never knew it.
Before low carb made me drop the massive water that the body held to process the carbs my "normal" eating habits involved.
Before low carb made me pay attention to protein and carb loads so I wouldn't all but pass out from the blood sugar drop awhile after eating.
o0o
So, on a seemingly separate subject, my personal life continues to be a real dilemma. I suppose it is perfectly normal for people to live in misery and non-relationships with their spouses for whole lifetimes, with not much more than whining to their girlfriends or buddies about it. But I am learning the stark reality of what obesity has really done with the last 15 years of my life.
I haven't lived the life of "quiet desperation" -- thanks to severe obesity, I've lived the life of "quiet exhaustion."
Like: I won't notice if you won't work for a living, if you'll carry in the groceries, because I'm so exhausted after shopping I want to cry. Most people would have to run a marathon and starve for 3 days to be as exhausted as one walmart visit can make someone who weighs over 400lbs. But don't let it show. Smile at the neighbors. Don't hobble on the aching feet. Try to stay up with the kid, who being a kid will smell your weakness and push her advantage when she knows you haven't the energy to argue.
Like: I won't mind that we don't have a relationship and haven't for 11 of 12 years because at least my kid has a dad. Sort of. Even if you don't contribute to the family. Even if you don't pay any real attention to the kid. Even if despite a weekly maid you make the living environment a cluttered pig sty I'm too exhausted to clean, and too busy working anyway, and so just live in the unhappiness of not wanting even to eat (let alone cook) because the place grosses me out. Men are pigs. Not all men. But definitely this one.
Like: I won't expect more from my life. My parents make it clear that at my weight I should almost be grateful that some useless SOB is willing to leech off me as an intentionally underemployed roommate who at this point occupies 50%+ of the space in a house of three people. Doesn't drive so I get to be taxi service on moments off work, or even give up my lunch hour to be taxi. Doesn't work so never, ever, ever leaves. I crave solitude to the degree of envying the indian monks in their caves. I haven't the energy to even think about doing anything besides "surviving another day" anyway, so what difference does a detail like "a relationship" make?
Now that Low Carb has given me some of "me" back, by clearing my mind and energizing my body and giving me hope for my future, I find that my perspective on life, and what I deserve in life, is changing.
You can see where this is going already can't you.
o0o
So in thinking about these two subjects together, it occurred to me that when you think about it, eating foods that are wrong for you is rather like a dysfunctional relationship.
You are really drawn to it. You think you really enjoy it at first. Then you pay the price for it... and it just goes ON and ON.
We are the CEOs of our bodies, and of our lives. It is up to us to make executive decisions that are the most productive and healthy for the corporal entity. It doesn't matter if it is food, hobby, or relationships: it's all the same question: what is good for me? What contributes to my present and my future?
Until one day you say, I refuse to be cowed by guilt over whether or not certain foods "should" be okay to eat. I don't give a damn if whole-grain bread and corn "should" be healthy. It is not some kind of moral judgement day -- it is just about how I feel when I interact with that. Maybe there isn't even a good or bad, and that kind of thinking distracts us from the real point of it all: that we must measure our lives by "what works for us," and if we are unable to recognize when something is an abysmal failure for us and get it out of our lives, then who should?
We are the CEOs of our bodies, and of our lives. It is up to us to make executive decisions that are the most productive and healthy for the corporal entity. It doesn't matter if it is food, hobby, or relationships: it's all the same question: what is good for me? What contributes to my present and my future?
o0o
I was reading this woman's journal and she says, "I've dated a little recently, and..." and I look at her profile.
She weighs 385 pounds.
I've been bred to a world of performers (in music), where if you weren't perfect by hollywood or at least rock&roll standards, you were pond scum. Women over 30lbs overweight were The Untouchables. Men would date a skanky disease-ridden bleached groupie before they would date a truly beautiful and intelligent woman who "needed to lose a little weight." And that's a LITTLE weight, mind you. Not hundreds of pounds. Obviously, my upbringing has severely skewed my beliefs about women, appearance, and myself. I hadn't really thought about that much before now.
But suddenly I am realizing that it is true. My beliefs about myself have been totally distorted. And maybe that is part of why I have continued to live in a relationship that has no respect or positive contribution to me whatsoever.
I don't know that I want to have a full time relationship with anybody right now. Hell, I've been married a dozen years and I haven't had even a part-time relationship for the last 11. I'm used to being alone emotionally and overcrowded physically. I don't mind it, I tell myself. But then I realize that not all women feel hideous when they are fat. Maybe they feel really fat, maybe they feel badly about it, but probably not to the degree I always have. I didn't just have a complex about it. I literally dismissed myself from the entire gene and social pool as a "given" and just didn't think about it again. Some women question themselves or their worthiness and come up short. I dismissed mine as even being worth questioning a long time ago.
Low carb has become therapy.
I know this is a little heavier than most my blog posts, no pun intended. But that is what I'm feeling today.
o0o
Meanwhile back at the... small tract home in Oklahoma, I splurged and bought myself a christmas gift: tea. Seriously!
I bought two nice ceramic mugs with infusers, and several kinds of tea (Earl Grey, Chai, and some samplers). I have a little chinese-style altar table in my room (I have a room of my own, and though it's the smallest in the house, it's my sanctuary). There is no reason why I couldn't make a habit of getting up a bit early, making some hot tea, and then just sitting and meditating, praying or whatever for awhile.
Before I gotta get the kid up, and repeatedly harrass her until she is ready for school. Before I gotta get the husband up, because his interminable eBay boxes are coming in for delivery in our warehouse-slash-living room. Before I have to work, with the like 150 emails per day I'm getting lately so I can't even stay afloat let alone catch up.
Just some hot tea... and eyes closed... and a little time for me.
So I can think about how my life is changing from the life of Quiet Exhaustion, to the life of Cautious But Growing Optimism.
So I can think about how "if only I had the energy to do XYZ and felt good, I would--" oh... wait! It turns out, I DO!
I feel as if I am re-sculpting my life, and not just my body.
I don't know what next week will bring. First things first. It's tea time.
.
Thursday, November 2
The Clock Demons and Guilty Foods
I know that I have been away from my blog for longer than ever. Sorry about that.
First, my life was sucked into that pit of despair called "no time for mom." Some of you must already know this song. You get up at about 6:30am to start getting kid ready for school and animals fed and yourself dressed and so on. As soon as the kid is at school you come home and go to work. As soon as you're off work, you're busy doing errands, things for the kid's extra activities, etc. As soon as that is done, you realize it's now nighttime and you forgot to eat all day.
Or, you didn't forget, you just didn't get a chance. And since unlike high-carb eating, it isn't quite so easy to "grab something quickly," you can bemoan not eating all day, but if you're busy and you can't leave work, that's just the way it is.
Not-eating regularly tends to make me gain weight. I realize many people can't grasp this because they think weight is all about calories. I am here to tell you, my body is apparently a survivor. Down through millennia, my ancestors must have survived the long winters and the ravages of illness by storing more fat faster than anybody else. Low carb eating has helped me realize that I lose far more weight eating a bunch of food several times a day, than eating almost no food, but a carby meal once a day.
But eating "several times a day" is easier said than done, isn't it? That means that at some point, you had to get off your butt and PREPARE that food. Even if it was some cheese sticks, a garlic clove and green onions (one of my favorite snacks, which I haven't had in a long time. Yum! I think I'll have it tomorrow!), still there is at least a minimum of "pre-effort" required.
Let me backtrack to not long after I last posted. First, I gained ten pounds. IN A DAY. Now since this is physiologically impossible to do via fat or muscle cells, I figured it had to be water, and wondered if it was time for 'that time of the month', or TOM as some call it online. Mine has always been so irregular it tends to surprise me. Yep, the very next day, TOM arrived. And I lost 9 of the pounds. Of course the next day I gained four. And the next day I lost those. At that point I decided I was an idiot to weigh myself during the menses and I would have to wait until it was over.
TOM was more intense than any I've had since I was a teenager. I could hardly move off the quadrupled towel and TWO tom-utilities. To example how bleeding that heavily can make a hormonal woman completely deluded, I actually uttered to my friend that on the bright side, thanks to all the blood loss I bet I'd be at least a pound lighter.
Now that is optimism.
Today I am five pounds lighter than I was when I began it, though it seems TOM slowed the 'momentum' I had going for the weight loss.
Don't let me lie. I haven't been drinking nearly enough water and I know that matters. So it's my own fault if it's slowed down.
Meanwhile, back at the underfed home office, desperation about my lack of available time to "deal with" having food available kicked in.
First it was the puddings. Any chocolate pudding that tastes decent (only when very cold) and has 20g protein, 100cal and 2 carbs (1 fiber) is my friend, so as I've mentioned before, Instone Pudding is my lowcarb hero.
It's a frankenfood, to some degree. Sure, no real reason why a pudding has to be moreso than a bake mix I realize, but something about the fact that it tastes good and comes in a pop-top can makes it seem inherently sinful in some way. As if it can't possibly be good for me if I *like* it.
But even I don't like it enough to eat it every day, let alone more than once a day. The novelty wore off and although I like them, I have not had one in probably a week.
Then, I talked DH into making me a ton more of the "heavy on the meat chili verde". Although this batch was not quite as good as the one prior, it was still very yummy. I ate that in the little 1/2 cup Glad plastic storage bowls for literally a week, several times a day. It took that long to get rid of it, worrying it would go bad if I didn't eat it. Since only a few days before I had ended an 18-meals-in-a-row sized dose of the stuff, suffice to say that now, I think I am ready to not eat it for awhile. Possibly a long while.
But wait, it got better. My SLIM FAST LOW CARB order arrived! That's right, in pop-top cans, chocolate and vanilla, seriously overpriced online, slimfast has a 'lowcarb' option. I bought a couple boxes (4 per box) each to try them out. I had the following conclusions.
1. I detest the chocolate. I'm normally the chocoholic. My 10 year old likes it though. So now when she wants to go eat carby snacks I tell her to drink a slimfast. It's 180 calories, 2 net carbs, 20 grams protein, and a bunch of vitamins.
2. If they are not cold, and I mean REALLY cold, even the vanilla is kinda yucky. But I turned my little room-fridge I got just for lowcarb stuff up a bit, so it's on the verge of nearly freezing, and now I really love the vanilla. I suppose with the cold all I can taste is the "creamy sweet" of it.
Alas, this has resulted in me making slimfast my primary food group. I feel rightfully guilty about this. Slimfast is NOT A FOOD. And to add injury to insult to my poor sweet body-spirit, because SF is a liquid, (a) I'm drinking it instead of water and (b) I don't have solid food making me thirsty for water. So I've drank vastly less water lately. I have, however, managed to plow through quite a few slimfasts.
They are not cheap. 24 cans cost me $39 plus $8 shipping. So, sucking down 3-4 a day of these things could add up.
And so I've felt guilty. I had no time to write, but I also felt like a tree sloth, a beer slug, a burnt-toast kinda gal, because here I am all enthusiastic about lowcarb and so on, but I can't seem to make even an hour or even half an hour to prepare some cheese sticks or rollups or something. (It just occurred to me that a variety of meats and cheeses rolled up in a LC tortilla and sliced in medallions, with a little mustard on the top of each, would be a yummy snack. Yay! Tomorrow is sounding better already!)
Oh yeah! And DID I MENTION the ultimate "you should make better choices" lowcarb snack: pepperoni nuked with mozzarella cheese and some oregano and red pepper flakes on top. I had that a couple times. Felt so guilty... between all the carcinogens probably in pepperoni, the "interesting" digestive results that a massive dose of it gives me, and the fact that it's ingesting enough calories for an entire day in one paper-plate sized pizza-toppings meal... well it is not ideal. But, if you really need protein and calories and you don't have much time, it works.
So that's about it. Time is such a problem for me sometimes... and I've felt guilty about the fact that although I have maintained low carb, and generally made my protein and calories each day, still I feel as if I'm not doing things as completely and well as I should be. I feel I'd be losing weight a little faster if I were.
My scale varies by about 5lbs depending on whether I am leaning ever so slightly on the front of my feet vs. the back, so I have begun measuring always the front. I am still keeping my spreadsheet. I haven't been recording my food, but I can sum it up: "a combination of 4-6 elements per day, which are either 1/2 cup servings of chili verde or cans of slimfast."
I need to do lowcarb penance, except my literal "penance" stage of lowcarbing is keeping carbs just as low as I have been keeping them, more by accident than design.
Tomorrow, I ASPIRE, damn it. The cold snap happened and we have two grocery sacks stuffed with beautiful fresh garden peppers. I want to eat as many as I can before they go bad. (We usually give a bunch to the guys at the local mexican food restaurant, as they are some of the few in our area that really seem to like HOT food as much as we do!) I want to have scrambled eggs... and peppers. I'd like to have tuna and mayo and green onions and some miracle-mayo in a lowcarb tortilla... with peppers. (No, I've never tried that, I just thought of it, but it seems possible.) I want to have some cheese just melted over slices of peppers. I can probably carb myself out on peppers if I'm not careful. (Especially since I have a daily cap on how many 'deductible' carbs I can have, as well as carbs themselves.) We can have a big chicken stirfry with tons of peppers. OK! I have SO cheered myself back up now!
I was feeling all pouty about myself but I feel better now. Tomorrow is another day! The first day of the rest of my life. I can do better!
(Reminder to self: LC SLIM FAST IS NOT FOOD!)
.
First, my life was sucked into that pit of despair called "no time for mom." Some of you must already know this song. You get up at about 6:30am to start getting kid ready for school and animals fed and yourself dressed and so on. As soon as the kid is at school you come home and go to work. As soon as you're off work, you're busy doing errands, things for the kid's extra activities, etc. As soon as that is done, you realize it's now nighttime and you forgot to eat all day.
Or, you didn't forget, you just didn't get a chance. And since unlike high-carb eating, it isn't quite so easy to "grab something quickly," you can bemoan not eating all day, but if you're busy and you can't leave work, that's just the way it is.
Not-eating regularly tends to make me gain weight. I realize many people can't grasp this because they think weight is all about calories. I am here to tell you, my body is apparently a survivor. Down through millennia, my ancestors must have survived the long winters and the ravages of illness by storing more fat faster than anybody else. Low carb eating has helped me realize that I lose far more weight eating a bunch of food several times a day, than eating almost no food, but a carby meal once a day.
But eating "several times a day" is easier said than done, isn't it? That means that at some point, you had to get off your butt and PREPARE that food. Even if it was some cheese sticks, a garlic clove and green onions (one of my favorite snacks, which I haven't had in a long time. Yum! I think I'll have it tomorrow!), still there is at least a minimum of "pre-effort" required.
Let me backtrack to not long after I last posted. First, I gained ten pounds. IN A DAY. Now since this is physiologically impossible to do via fat or muscle cells, I figured it had to be water, and wondered if it was time for 'that time of the month', or TOM as some call it online. Mine has always been so irregular it tends to surprise me. Yep, the very next day, TOM arrived. And I lost 9 of the pounds. Of course the next day I gained four. And the next day I lost those. At that point I decided I was an idiot to weigh myself during the menses and I would have to wait until it was over.
TOM was more intense than any I've had since I was a teenager. I could hardly move off the quadrupled towel and TWO tom-utilities. To example how bleeding that heavily can make a hormonal woman completely deluded, I actually uttered to my friend that on the bright side, thanks to all the blood loss I bet I'd be at least a pound lighter.
Now that is optimism.
Today I am five pounds lighter than I was when I began it, though it seems TOM slowed the 'momentum' I had going for the weight loss.
Don't let me lie. I haven't been drinking nearly enough water and I know that matters. So it's my own fault if it's slowed down.
Meanwhile, back at the underfed home office, desperation about my lack of available time to "deal with" having food available kicked in.
First it was the puddings. Any chocolate pudding that tastes decent (only when very cold) and has 20g protein, 100cal and 2 carbs (1 fiber) is my friend, so as I've mentioned before, Instone Pudding is my lowcarb hero.
It's a frankenfood, to some degree. Sure, no real reason why a pudding has to be moreso than a bake mix I realize, but something about the fact that it tastes good and comes in a pop-top can makes it seem inherently sinful in some way. As if it can't possibly be good for me if I *like* it.
But even I don't like it enough to eat it every day, let alone more than once a day. The novelty wore off and although I like them, I have not had one in probably a week.
Then, I talked DH into making me a ton more of the "heavy on the meat chili verde". Although this batch was not quite as good as the one prior, it was still very yummy. I ate that in the little 1/2 cup Glad plastic storage bowls for literally a week, several times a day. It took that long to get rid of it, worrying it would go bad if I didn't eat it. Since only a few days before I had ended an 18-meals-in-a-row sized dose of the stuff, suffice to say that now, I think I am ready to not eat it for awhile. Possibly a long while.
But wait, it got better. My SLIM FAST LOW CARB order arrived! That's right, in pop-top cans, chocolate and vanilla, seriously overpriced online, slimfast has a 'lowcarb' option. I bought a couple boxes (4 per box) each to try them out. I had the following conclusions.
1. I detest the chocolate. I'm normally the chocoholic. My 10 year old likes it though. So now when she wants to go eat carby snacks I tell her to drink a slimfast. It's 180 calories, 2 net carbs, 20 grams protein, and a bunch of vitamins.
2. If they are not cold, and I mean REALLY cold, even the vanilla is kinda yucky. But I turned my little room-fridge I got just for lowcarb stuff up a bit, so it's on the verge of nearly freezing, and now I really love the vanilla. I suppose with the cold all I can taste is the "creamy sweet" of it.
Alas, this has resulted in me making slimfast my primary food group. I feel rightfully guilty about this. Slimfast is NOT A FOOD. And to add injury to insult to my poor sweet body-spirit, because SF is a liquid, (a) I'm drinking it instead of water and (b) I don't have solid food making me thirsty for water. So I've drank vastly less water lately. I have, however, managed to plow through quite a few slimfasts.
They are not cheap. 24 cans cost me $39 plus $8 shipping. So, sucking down 3-4 a day of these things could add up.
And so I've felt guilty. I had no time to write, but I also felt like a tree sloth, a beer slug, a burnt-toast kinda gal, because here I am all enthusiastic about lowcarb and so on, but I can't seem to make even an hour or even half an hour to prepare some cheese sticks or rollups or something. (It just occurred to me that a variety of meats and cheeses rolled up in a LC tortilla and sliced in medallions, with a little mustard on the top of each, would be a yummy snack. Yay! Tomorrow is sounding better already!)
Oh yeah! And DID I MENTION the ultimate "you should make better choices" lowcarb snack: pepperoni nuked with mozzarella cheese and some oregano and red pepper flakes on top. I had that a couple times. Felt so guilty... between all the carcinogens probably in pepperoni, the "interesting" digestive results that a massive dose of it gives me, and the fact that it's ingesting enough calories for an entire day in one paper-plate sized pizza-toppings meal... well it is not ideal. But, if you really need protein and calories and you don't have much time, it works.
So that's about it. Time is such a problem for me sometimes... and I've felt guilty about the fact that although I have maintained low carb, and generally made my protein and calories each day, still I feel as if I'm not doing things as completely and well as I should be. I feel I'd be losing weight a little faster if I were.
My scale varies by about 5lbs depending on whether I am leaning ever so slightly on the front of my feet vs. the back, so I have begun measuring always the front. I am still keeping my spreadsheet. I haven't been recording my food, but I can sum it up: "a combination of 4-6 elements per day, which are either 1/2 cup servings of chili verde or cans of slimfast."
I need to do lowcarb penance, except my literal "penance" stage of lowcarbing is keeping carbs just as low as I have been keeping them, more by accident than design.
Tomorrow, I ASPIRE, damn it. The cold snap happened and we have two grocery sacks stuffed with beautiful fresh garden peppers. I want to eat as many as I can before they go bad. (We usually give a bunch to the guys at the local mexican food restaurant, as they are some of the few in our area that really seem to like HOT food as much as we do!) I want to have scrambled eggs... and peppers. I'd like to have tuna and mayo and green onions and some miracle-mayo in a lowcarb tortilla... with peppers. (No, I've never tried that, I just thought of it, but it seems possible.) I want to have some cheese just melted over slices of peppers. I can probably carb myself out on peppers if I'm not careful. (Especially since I have a daily cap on how many 'deductible' carbs I can have, as well as carbs themselves.) We can have a big chicken stirfry with tons of peppers. OK! I have SO cheered myself back up now!
I was feeling all pouty about myself but I feel better now. Tomorrow is another day! The first day of the rest of my life. I can do better!
(Reminder to self: LC SLIM FAST IS NOT FOOD!)
.
Monday, October 23
The Body as an Elemental
I'm a metaphysical kinda gal, and one of the things I find interesting is the concept of nature's sentience, and what you might consider the 'devas' (architects) and 'spirits' (sort of like nature-angels) of nature itself.
This is not 'instead of' a belief in God, but rather, part and parcel of it; I tend to think that all things are by nature (without distortion) divine, because all things are of God. I consider animals, plants and even metals and rock (in different ways) to be "composed of sentience" because I think our entire reality/universe is.
Physicists say that mass, like your coffee table, is 'vibrating energy trapped in a cohesive shape.' That we see it as a coffee table and not vibrating energy is due to the biological filters of our body. That it hurts when we run into it is due to the span of frequencies our biological bodies inhabit "compared to" that of the coffee table. If it vibrated more quickly than our bodys'-energy, it would be less-solid than us, from slightly permeable to liquid to gas to sound to light and finally to invisible. It is vibrating somewhat more slowly, which is why it is seemingly denser and harder than we are. If it were yet more dense, it would eventually be hard as rock, then diamond, and if it were too slow, it might not even be "within the range" of frequency we can perceive, and like light above the violet zone, we might be oblivious to it.
I consider 'energy' to be the other side (wave form) of consciousness, in the same way that space and time are the same thing but in an inexplicable way none of us will ever get our brains around while resident in these bodies. Hence, the coffee table 'has' some degree of consciousness, though it is not 'self-aware' in the way that humans are. And I tend to assume that there are identities in our universe which are 'aware' to a degree that makes us look about as bright as coffee tables. ;-) Angels maybe, who knows.
So lately I've been thinking a lot about my body having its OWN consciousness, as apart from, although part-of, "mine." I've had some "esoteric experiences" where I became incredibly aware of this, and it was totally amazing.
We think of our bodies "as" "us". Yet whether your religion is something traditional or more metaphysical, all of them definitely hold the philsophy that "we are more than our physical bodies" -- that bodies are something we HAVE, not something we ARE.
The past few days I have been forcing myself to think of my body not AS me but as a highly intelligent, complex "nature spirit" that happens to be "part of" me.
And what's kinda funny is that it is really having an effect. I am starting to think of my body as a friend -- as a sweet creature that I want to TAKE CARE OF. Not like, "I'm ignoring you because you're me and who cares about me." More like a partnership of sorts, though not as separated as that makes it sound.
I'm starting to think when I ignore that I am thirsty, or have to pee but I'm busy and try to put it off, or when my back hurts because I'm slouching and I'm ignoring it, that I am being very unkind to this fabulous entity, thanks to whom I have a presence in this range of frequency and beat-pattern we call reality. :-)
I'm starting to think that maybe I should be nicer to my body. It has put up with a whole lot of crap over the years and the fact is, it was my horrible lifestyle that apparently destroyed my metabolism, and that was MY choice, not my body's. Aside from the metabolic issues, I'm really disgustingly healthy. I've been athletic and strong all my life until my massive weight gain around 15 years ago. I've always carried weight far better than most people, looking thinner with more weight and being more active at higher weights, who knows why, distribution of it maybe. I was blessed with the ability to really focus, absorb, extrapolate and innovate, mental qualities that have benefitted my life in every area. Though I'm sure higher aspects of "ME" have something to do with that stuff too, the bottom line is that my body, as an entity worth respecting on its own merits, has worked hard for me, suffered a lot, and continues to support me like a real trooper despite the condition I've put it in.
I'm concluding that maybe there is some "lack of self-value" going on, if I ignore my body when I think of it as "me," yet am suddenly all compassion and appreciation when I think of it as even partly separable. Maybe that Virgo service ethic gone overboard: "Everybody else matters more than me."
I'm starting to think of my body more as a gift from God I've been given for my use, rather than an obnoxious incomprehensible thing I am trapped in.
Anyway, this is just musing a bit, but it's the kind of thing I find interesting. And the good news is, my body is benefitting, and as a result, so is my life.
.
This is not 'instead of' a belief in God, but rather, part and parcel of it; I tend to think that all things are by nature (without distortion) divine, because all things are of God. I consider animals, plants and even metals and rock (in different ways) to be "composed of sentience" because I think our entire reality/universe is.
Physicists say that mass, like your coffee table, is 'vibrating energy trapped in a cohesive shape.' That we see it as a coffee table and not vibrating energy is due to the biological filters of our body. That it hurts when we run into it is due to the span of frequencies our biological bodies inhabit "compared to" that of the coffee table. If it vibrated more quickly than our bodys'-energy, it would be less-solid than us, from slightly permeable to liquid to gas to sound to light and finally to invisible. It is vibrating somewhat more slowly, which is why it is seemingly denser and harder than we are. If it were yet more dense, it would eventually be hard as rock, then diamond, and if it were too slow, it might not even be "within the range" of frequency we can perceive, and like light above the violet zone, we might be oblivious to it.
I consider 'energy' to be the other side (wave form) of consciousness, in the same way that space and time are the same thing but in an inexplicable way none of us will ever get our brains around while resident in these bodies. Hence, the coffee table 'has' some degree of consciousness, though it is not 'self-aware' in the way that humans are. And I tend to assume that there are identities in our universe which are 'aware' to a degree that makes us look about as bright as coffee tables. ;-) Angels maybe, who knows.
So lately I've been thinking a lot about my body having its OWN consciousness, as apart from, although part-of, "mine." I've had some "esoteric experiences" where I became incredibly aware of this, and it was totally amazing.
We think of our bodies "as" "us". Yet whether your religion is something traditional or more metaphysical, all of them definitely hold the philsophy that "we are more than our physical bodies" -- that bodies are something we HAVE, not something we ARE.
The past few days I have been forcing myself to think of my body not AS me but as a highly intelligent, complex "nature spirit" that happens to be "part of" me.
And what's kinda funny is that it is really having an effect. I am starting to think of my body as a friend -- as a sweet creature that I want to TAKE CARE OF. Not like, "I'm ignoring you because you're me and who cares about me." More like a partnership of sorts, though not as separated as that makes it sound.
I'm starting to think when I ignore that I am thirsty, or have to pee but I'm busy and try to put it off, or when my back hurts because I'm slouching and I'm ignoring it, that I am being very unkind to this fabulous entity, thanks to whom I have a presence in this range of frequency and beat-pattern we call reality. :-)
I'm starting to think that maybe I should be nicer to my body. It has put up with a whole lot of crap over the years and the fact is, it was my horrible lifestyle that apparently destroyed my metabolism, and that was MY choice, not my body's. Aside from the metabolic issues, I'm really disgustingly healthy. I've been athletic and strong all my life until my massive weight gain around 15 years ago. I've always carried weight far better than most people, looking thinner with more weight and being more active at higher weights, who knows why, distribution of it maybe. I was blessed with the ability to really focus, absorb, extrapolate and innovate, mental qualities that have benefitted my life in every area. Though I'm sure higher aspects of "ME" have something to do with that stuff too, the bottom line is that my body, as an entity worth respecting on its own merits, has worked hard for me, suffered a lot, and continues to support me like a real trooper despite the condition I've put it in.
I'm concluding that maybe there is some "lack of self-value" going on, if I ignore my body when I think of it as "me," yet am suddenly all compassion and appreciation when I think of it as even partly separable. Maybe that Virgo service ethic gone overboard: "Everybody else matters more than me."
I'm starting to think of my body more as a gift from God I've been given for my use, rather than an obnoxious incomprehensible thing I am trapped in.
Anyway, this is just musing a bit, but it's the kind of thing I find interesting. And the good news is, my body is benefitting, and as a result, so is my life.
.
Thursday, October 19
PJ's Induction Cycling
It's taken me a month but I've finally solidified my own personal "eating plan" that I think is workable and appropriate for me.
It is based on several factors, including:
I call it "PJ's Induction Cycling." (Added my name just in case the term is used anywhere else and I don't know about it, don't want to get it confused with other stuff.) Here's the basics: (click the link to see the image)
Changed it to 20 on standard (stage 2) after discussion with another LCer.
OK I thought I was done but that's not it.
Q. Do you do protein powder on the first-stage?
A. Yes, protein powders, protein puddings.
Q. Why no grains, mushrooms or cheese?
A. The first for bowel reasons, the second two for herbalism reasons. Basically just to make it so there's a few days each month I detox from such things for sure. And because I know if I don't rule it out I will be eating mega amounts of cheese during the induction period, as I love it, and I really want to force the protein-fat meat/seafood/poultry emphasis instead.
Q. Isn't 20 carbs + 15 deducted carbs a lot compared to 10?
A. Yeah. Monthly re-induction ought to make me appreciate what I get the rest of the time.
Q. Not counting fiber/SA carbs has an effect. You lose more weight if you do.
A. I agree. However if I'm going to be on this eating plan the rest of my natural and unnatural life, I have to have a decent variety of good tasting food to eat. So for me there has to be some middle ground between 'keep it lowcarb to lose' vs. 'keep it enough carb to enjoy it and not feel deprived'. I made it 15 carbs + 15-MAX deducted because that is a different result than just saying '30 carbs'. The deductions will allow me to make little crepes I can use as a bread-replacement of sorts, and a sweet now and then, and have daily fresh garden peppers for example (broccoli stir fried in peanut oil with garlic and ginger, YUM!). But the limit on the deducted carbs per day will probably keep me from ODing on a whole day of food that is "invisible" carbs and calling it a good day... even if carbquick and flaxmeal and my sugar alternatives can make me a ton of food with almost zero net carbs, how much "not quite basic" food I can eat is pretty limited due to the cap on the deductible carbs.
Q. The calorie range is rather large.
A. I have a hard time making 1000 calories half the time. And due to my weight, theoretically I could eat a helluva lot more calories and still lose, but it varies by food choices - drastically. A day with bacon, butter and mayo will skyrocket calories into the 2000 zone while other days I'll be struggling to meet the 1100 minimum. Unfortunately the highest cal stuff is carby sometimes. If I could eat my extra calories in peanut butter without the carbs I'd happily do so! So I leave that a variable option because my mood, food, weight, protein intake and exercise will make me vary the calories. I put 2000 there as a 'maximum' -- not a goal.
Q. Keto sticks don't always measure ketosis.
A. Yeah, I've heard that. If I'm drinking 2 gallons of water a day (I wish) I won't worry about that, it'd flood the ketones. If I still have decent energy, little appetite and no major cravings, and I'm losing weight or size at all, then I'll have to do the three day minimum and call it good. Right now I can't taste, smell or feel ketones and every other time I've been on lowcarb, it's major and obvious. Yet I'm losing weight steadily, have energy, suppressed appetite, no cravings, and I turned a keto-stick purple, so I'm going to have to figure it's ok.
Q. How come you allow yourself nuts/nutbutters but not cheese? The Atkins OWL doesn't bring in nuts until much later.
A. True. Bear in mind this is a maintenance plan not a starting-out plan. But the main reason I allow them is because peanut butter is the only 'sweet' I'm willing to allow myself during stage 1. If I can't go three days without Splenda I've got a problem!
Q. Doesn't this seem like an arbitrary rearrangement of Atkins/Eades/etc., similar to KimKins for example?
A. Sure, everybody comes up with what works for them. Because my weight is so high and my weight-loss efforts will take so long, because my protein demands are so great and my resultant calories tend to be so low, and because I want to experiment with food and not worry quite so much that a 'gradual slide out of ketosis' will lead to my ruin, I felt I needed an approach customized to me.
Best,
PJ
It is based on several factors, including:
- Because I'm so heavy, I need to stay at lower-carb levels than most folks for a long time. That has several built-in considerations, though:
- I need to stay lower than some of the lowcarb eating plans recommend for post-induction. Yet,
- I can't make it so low, that my food range is drastically limited. If it's going to take me years to lose the weight, I really need as much variety in my diet as possible.
- There needs to be some 'allowance' of deductions for fiber and SA carbs, as part of hugely expanding the menu. Yet there should be a cap on them, because SAs in particular can really get out of hand when you're "not counting" them.
- Because it is very easy to 'slide out' of ketosis or at least slide into very light degrees of it, I need to ensure that if this should happen for any reason, it is shortly curtailed and my level of ketosis brought back to something good for weight-loss, carb-craving suppression and appetite suppression. Beginning every month with a few days (or whatever it takes) of "core food only" regularly brings me back to that.
I call it "PJ's Induction Cycling." (Added my name just in case the term is used anywhere else and I don't know about it, don't want to get it confused with other stuff.) Here's the basics: (click the link to see the image)
Warning: If your browser is set to "resize images" it will make that unreadably tiny! Take that setting off! LOL!
This addresses some 'issues' I've observed in the field at large from reading tons of journals, as well as in myself and my own experience.
Now that I know what I'm doing and plan ahead, induction is easy. And given I'm doing it a few days every month based on the eating plan cycle, it no longer seems like such a long-suffering major thing anymore.
Changed it to 20 on standard (stage 2) after discussion with another LCer.
OK I thought I was done but that's not it.
Q. Do you do protein powder on the first-stage?
A. Yes, protein powders, protein puddings.
Q. Why no grains, mushrooms or cheese?
A. The first for bowel reasons, the second two for herbalism reasons. Basically just to make it so there's a few days each month I detox from such things for sure. And because I know if I don't rule it out I will be eating mega amounts of cheese during the induction period, as I love it, and I really want to force the protein-fat meat/seafood/poultry emphasis instead.
Q. Isn't 20 carbs + 15 deducted carbs a lot compared to 10?
A. Yeah. Monthly re-induction ought to make me appreciate what I get the rest of the time.
Q. Not counting fiber/SA carbs has an effect. You lose more weight if you do.
A. I agree. However if I'm going to be on this eating plan the rest of my natural and unnatural life, I have to have a decent variety of good tasting food to eat. So for me there has to be some middle ground between 'keep it lowcarb to lose' vs. 'keep it enough carb to enjoy it and not feel deprived'. I made it 15 carbs + 15-MAX deducted because that is a different result than just saying '30 carbs'. The deductions will allow me to make little crepes I can use as a bread-replacement of sorts, and a sweet now and then, and have daily fresh garden peppers for example (broccoli stir fried in peanut oil with garlic and ginger, YUM!). But the limit on the deducted carbs per day will probably keep me from ODing on a whole day of food that is "invisible" carbs and calling it a good day... even if carbquick and flaxmeal and my sugar alternatives can make me a ton of food with almost zero net carbs, how much "not quite basic" food I can eat is pretty limited due to the cap on the deductible carbs.
Q. The calorie range is rather large.
A. I have a hard time making 1000 calories half the time. And due to my weight, theoretically I could eat a helluva lot more calories and still lose, but it varies by food choices - drastically. A day with bacon, butter and mayo will skyrocket calories into the 2000 zone while other days I'll be struggling to meet the 1100 minimum. Unfortunately the highest cal stuff is carby sometimes. If I could eat my extra calories in peanut butter without the carbs I'd happily do so! So I leave that a variable option because my mood, food, weight, protein intake and exercise will make me vary the calories. I put 2000 there as a 'maximum' -- not a goal.
Q. Keto sticks don't always measure ketosis.
A. Yeah, I've heard that. If I'm drinking 2 gallons of water a day (I wish) I won't worry about that, it'd flood the ketones. If I still have decent energy, little appetite and no major cravings, and I'm losing weight or size at all, then I'll have to do the three day minimum and call it good. Right now I can't taste, smell or feel ketones and every other time I've been on lowcarb, it's major and obvious. Yet I'm losing weight steadily, have energy, suppressed appetite, no cravings, and I turned a keto-stick purple, so I'm going to have to figure it's ok.
Q. How come you allow yourself nuts/nutbutters but not cheese? The Atkins OWL doesn't bring in nuts until much later.
A. True. Bear in mind this is a maintenance plan not a starting-out plan. But the main reason I allow them is because peanut butter is the only 'sweet' I'm willing to allow myself during stage 1. If I can't go three days without Splenda I've got a problem!
Q. Doesn't this seem like an arbitrary rearrangement of Atkins/Eades/etc., similar to KimKins for example?
A. Sure, everybody comes up with what works for them. Because my weight is so high and my weight-loss efforts will take so long, because my protein demands are so great and my resultant calories tend to be so low, and because I want to experiment with food and not worry quite so much that a 'gradual slide out of ketosis' will lead to my ruin, I felt I needed an approach customized to me.
Best,
PJ
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