Tuesday, February 27

Treading Water

I haven't posted on this blog in awhile, in part because I haven't been focusing very much on my food and exercise and overall health the way I should be.

My husband left (at my insistence) the 8th of February, and to be honest I've mostly been focusing on what is in front of me at any given moment. The unbelievable disaster of my house that had to be changed once he left -- I have moved more "stuff" out of my house than most people have in their whole house -- has taken tons of time (and money for my housekeeper's help, landscaper's help, trash company's help, etc.).

While I'm at it, I've started going through every thing in every room, beginning with the kitchen. I wanted to know every thing I had, where it was and why. Maybe that's a bit of psychology or some overkill on a control issue, but I have felt like I lived in a chaotic disaster of an overcrowded stacked-to-ceiling warehouse for so long, that it feels rather good to just get RID of stuff and have some space and "feel" organized.

You wouldn't believe how much stuff I found that I forgot I even had!! Brand new homemade yogurt maker and yocheese maker -- gotta try that! Brand new really high-end dehydrator. Several appliances I forgot existed. Not to mention I can now SEE all of my clear glass / lucite / plastic canister sets and what is in them. All my spices, sweeteners (and a shelf full of DaVinci sugarfree flavor syrups) are on one wall-unit I call the spice shelf. It's very cool to have things in one place, organized, clean, I know where stuff is, etc. When I walk into the kitchen I no longer feel overwhelmed: now I feel inspired. That hasn't yet panned out to much new experimenting yet -- I've been over-prosaic lately and we've been living on crockpot chicken or pork or sandwiches or fruits and veggies -- but I expect it will eventually.

Of course, you know what it's like when you set out to clean and reorganize in a big way. It gets worse before it gets better!! :-) So imagine that applied to an entire house (and garden and landscape and porch and driveway) and you might get an idea of the scope of things here.

Meanwhile, back at the health issue... I don't seem to have gained any weight (aside from water weight that comes and goes depending on my carbs, 'time of the month', etc.) but I haven't lost it either, for some time. I haven't been trying, so that's hardly surprising.

I just got my weight bench set up Sunday, finally (in a place big enough to use it), and just got walking shoes with athletic gel inserts that I hope will inspire more walking activity. I got a new power cord for my exercise bike; I bought it like 6 years ago, barely used it, stuck it in the garage and forgot I owned it, funny enough! So I dragged it out (it's huge and heavy) and put it in the exercise room (the ex's former bedroom). I went looking online to see if they still sold this model, Vision Fitness HR R2600 and sure enough, they do -- for two grand! Sheesh. I must've made too much money that year. Well anyway it allegedly will work with the heart rate chest strap that my nifty watch HR-monitor came with, and tonight I'll be trying it out.

I've had a string of offbeat things bothering me the last few weeks, from a friend dying to my greatly increased carb intake resulting in me having a lot less physical energy, more water weight and less limberness, and more desire to eat more carbs which is SO aggravating. A couple times with family I ate lousy things like pizza, or McDonalds, or french toast; I paid the price, suffice to say. Fortunately that has been in the minority. Mostly my problem is, as usual, not eating during the day. Now that I let myself eat 'whole grains' so I can have decent bread again, I've discovered if I make 2.5 sandwiches, cut the 2 in half, that I have several small meals ready for me through the day, plus half a sandwich for the kid when she gets home, as she's always hungry.

We've been eating more stir-fry veggies, and apples and bananas. I realize the latter two are a great deal of sugar of course, but my rule for the kid is that she can eat any fruit or veg; it beats the eclairs and mac&cheese and McD's her dad was feeding her that hugely increased her weight in the 18 months he was here. Now that her food hinges on me, I'm starting to realize just how badly (and how often) she was eating. Total carb addict. Hopefully we can cure this over time.

MY GOAL FOR MARCH: To get to where I can walk all the way to her school and back (3 miles). If I did that to take her and pick her up, that would be six miles of walking a day! And 3 for her. I want to try it, but thanks to more carbs and less water (which I am changing and improving even as we speak) I haven't felt physically competent enough even to try.

I met a man recently who told me he used to weigh 480. He was probably 250lbs lighter now; probably not done with his progress but certainly looking pretty good. I wasn't real sociable both times I met him I'm afraid, as I was half-dressed both times and on the phone long distance once. But I find myself wondering where he lives (he said close nearby), and wondering if he would be interested in a walking buddy or something. Then I tell myself to get over it, because what guy is going to be interested in walking around publicly with some woman who weighs 400 lbs? But he was so friendly, I didn't feel like he was judging me. I didn't notice what it was I was sensing at first, until later I thought back on it; it was that unlike most people, he wasn't "reacting" to my weight, like it's some social contagious disease. I don't want to date him, I just think it would be cool to have a buddy to walk with and someone who is not ten years old or a cat, to talk to!


Angela said...

I just wanted to say hi and I love your blog. You are so open with everything in your life. I wish you much love and happiness in your life. Also, what is wrong with asking someone to be YOUR walking buddy? It never hurts to have a friend does it?

Anonymous said...

If you want a walking buddy, start walking and you'll pass and encounter other walkers. Some of them might like to walk a while with someone else, too.

Maybe you'll find you enjoy talking to yourself most of all. It's whatever you feel like doing now.

Maybe you'll play the field for a while.

Be alone with yourself a bit, so you can expand into all that new space. It's yours now. What do you like? What do you like to do? What don't you want to do any more? You'll find out.

Take it slow. It'll come to you.

- Liz

Calianna said...

Quite frankly, I suspect the formerly 400 lb guy is making overtures to at least get to know you better. His motives are unclear of course. (He's a guy)

But one thing is for sure, he should at least be able to emphathize with your physical situation, because he's been there.

I hope you will ask him if he'd consider being your walking buddy, because it sounds like he could be a real encouragement and inspiration to you.

rozi said...

Please don't give up on bloging. I love reading what you have to say. Even if you have had a set-back please let us in on your life.


Big Daddy D said...

I second what Rozi said. We miss your frequent updates. You've made astounding progress and have a great deal of wisdom to share not just about dieting but about life in general.

Fat Victoria said...

Hey, where'd you go?