Bad moods in my world are always spawned by pity-me parties, of course. And nearly always relate to human relationships in some fashion and usually at least two people. After many hours of determinedly trying not to throw a tantrum like a three year old, I am now mellowing to the point of armchair philosophy, which means I am separating from it, I guess.
Of course I skipped all food until 3pm in my sulking. Sigh.
It occurred to me that a lot of what we get from other people in life is based on what we are willing to accept.
Then it occurred to me that a lot of what we get from ourselves in life is based on what we are willing to accept.
Now, before I go casting stones at everybody else, I figure I ought to look at what I do for myself. If I feel others treat me badly, could it be that I treat myself badly, and pretty much it's all one ball o' wax?
You know how they say that you have to love yourself before others love you. Well, maybe it works just the other way around, too. Maybe you have to disrespect yourself in order to get to the point where others disrespect you.
Not to be too obvious or anything, but I think it's safe to say that anybody who lets themselves get to nearly 500lbs has probably got some situation related to a lack of self respect.
I will grant myself up to about 350lbs only because I honestly did not know there was a way to deal with my weight. Early on in my weight gain I did very low-cal, daily aerobics, whole foods (mostly grains), everything perfect, and GAINED weight. This is what happens to people who react badly to carbohydrates. I knew that made me worse, that it'd be decades of agony like I've seen family members go through, and said screw it then, I'm not going to worry about it. Until I encountered the low-carb concept and read about it over a period of time, I didn't know it was possible for me. I thought I was as doomed to be gigantic as people are doomed to be without a leg if they lose one.
But between that weight and 150 lbs more, I did know that there was hope, that it was possible for me. I realize I had some psychology about it; I'd spent nearly 15 years working on 'accepting' my lot in life, mostly by being in total denial of self, mirrors, pictures, clothing, etc. It wasn't easy to make myself believe -- I was afraid to hope. I was afraid to try lest I fail, and losing that hope would seem worse than never having had it.
So now I know.
At the end of one of my favorite movies, "Groundhog Day," Bill Murray, delighted to be alive in a new day, leans over in bed to the woman he is completely in love with and says, "What can I do for you today?"
What can I do for me today?
It seems to me that if I want to respect myself, and I want to stay 'aware', that every single day when I wake up I should ask myself:
What can I do for myself today? What would be a good thing that I would do for myself if I loved myself?
And when the urge to skip a meal comes (with me it's not eating wrong stuff, it's not eating at all that is the problem), should I ask myself,
Who am I right now? Does this decision reflect respect for myself? If I really respected myself, how would I be acting toward food/eating at this moment?
Maybe in order to demand respect from other people, we first have to demand it from ourselves. Maybe I shouldn't just go along, day by day, but should proactively plan what would be good for me, a gift for me, each day, just like I might if I were in love with someone and wanting to do something that made them healthy and happy.
I tell myself that eating lowcarb is proactive. It's a start. I'm getting a lot more movement into my days, and that's a start too.
Eating regularly would help a helluva lot, I think. Drinking enough water would help. Eating more protein and less fiber would help. Taking my vitamins would help. Using my essential oils would help (seriously). In short, taking care of myself.
If I respected myself properly, wouldn't I take better care of myself? Would it have to be a grand rare occasion when I got all required food, water, vitamins, and whatever self-care all in the same day?
Because I cannot change the behavior of my mate or my kid, both of whom (for different reasons) are totally On My List today, I think I should focus on changing my own behavior. I think I should shoulder the world aside when necessary to make room for myself to have time to eat, clean space to eat in, and some personal time to take care of myself. I think if I treated myself like someone I loved, someone I wanted to take care of, this is what I would do.
And maybe, as a side effect, treating myself well will sort of "trickle down" into my reality to others around me.