Bon Appétit! Independence Day '07

For years I've made a habit of implementing major personal changes around Independence Day. Sometimes it's starting something new, sometimes it's ending something I've done for a long time. It just seems like an appropriate time for things like that.

I use Independence Day the way some people do New Years. Which is a good thing, since my score at keeping New Year's Resolutions is abysmal!

***

The last year has been a real pain in the butt for me, but mostly in constructive ways. I've started dealing with some of the more major issues in life.

In the last 12 months I've re-initiated lowcarb again, which I suspect is the only reason I'm currently alive. I've lost around 100 lbs, I've improved my mobility by a few orders of magnitude, I've ditched several medical symptoms like acid reflux, asthma and allergies (in direct proportion to how much I ditch eating grains).

I got my seven-years-ex husband to move the hell out again, since he wasn't my mate, didn't pay rent or any expenses, didn't spend time with the kid, and severely over-occupied the entire house. That made a huge improvement in my life too.

My ten year old gained nearly 40 lbs of pure fat in the 18 months he lived here, in part under the agreement he'd make healthy food for her I didn't have time/energy to (but mac&cheese, McDonalds, etc. was the reality of his efforts in the end). Her eating plan is now a lot more sane, and has almost zero junk/fast food or carby/ sugary stuff. Meanwhile she recently attained Jr. Brown Belt in Gojo Ryu Karate.

In short, my life has improved radically in nearly every way since last Independence Day, mostly since last mid-September. I have a long way to go in every way, but I've made a solid start on good things.

***

So this Independence Day, I decided to come up with one thing -- just one -- that I consider a thing I need freedom from. It has to be something that will require actual work, and that is very important, yet just ONE thing. Not a whole complex of stuff, not a need for perfection starting now, just one single solitary point that I feel I should focus my attention on: physically, metaphysically, psychologically, spiritually, you name it.

I thought about it for awhile. I've had a lot of insights the last several weeks about my troubles with eating; that is, my tendency to NOT eat, which does nothing but help maintain the spare-nothing/ store-everything metabolism that made me huge in the first place.

I believe there are a number of pretty serious psychological issues behind this, most amounting to decades of behavior based on severe PTSD from my younger life. To some degree I think I use food as a "control issue" with myself. I think I've been deeply repressing an 'institutionalized rage' much of my life, which gets turned in on myself, and my refusal for most of my adult life to eat, until hunger finally drove me to eating carbs at night, is an adaptive response to that.

I don't kid myself that I can cure the degree of PTSD my childhood brought about just because I want to lose weight. I'm not that optimistic. But I do believe that consciousness creates, and that we do have control of ourselves if we focus our intent in that direction.

This one issue, EATING, weaves into the larger web of my life. I believe that as simple as it may seem on the surface, my difficulty with doing it often enough over the last six months suggests it's nearly to the degree of 'eating disorder'.

Thing is, I don't lose fat if I don't eat enough and frequently. Period. The last six weeks proves that well enough, though I've seen that evidence before. If I can't get myself to EAT, my body is not going to let go of the extra fat. If I don't let go of the extra fat, my fitness and functional level will never get anywhere near where I want it to be.

I want to live. I want to feel good and be able to do cool and fun things with my kid and my friends. So in a way, it all boils down to dealing with "first things first": I gotta eat!

I want to be free from the chronic psychological stress that runs under the surface of me and causes distortions--I'm sure my issues with not eating are really only one of several issues that probably relate to it.

It's a big job, dealing with something that is deeply psychological... emotional as well as physical. It's not just about the numbers I make each day. It's not really about protein grams. It's about being free and loving enough with myself that I WANT to take care of myself and do so.

***

So, freedom from whatever inner long-term drama is screwing up my eating habits is what I wish for this year.

From now until next Independence Day, I want to be working on that. I want to meditate on it, pray about it, and pay close attention to it. If there is one thing I want to be sure is changed, improved, and taken care of by next Independence Day, this is it.

Bon Appétit!

PJ