Wednesday, May 23

When A Picture's Worth A Thousand Tears

They say that a picture's worth a thousand words. All thousand of mine are very unpleasant, apparently.

I just got a pic taken of me during my recent Business Trip From Hell. It's horrifying. I think I want to eat something involving chocolate and pizza and never wake up.

I feel like there is psychologically some total disconnect between the me I think I know, and the me I see
* in mirrors (which I avoid)
* and store windows (which I avoid, not too hard since my weight makes me so shy I'm not real public-sociable anyway)
* and photographs (which I loathe to a degree words can't express).

Every time I see a photo of myself, I am shocked anew. Who is that hideous creature? Holy cats, how did that person get so freakin HUGE? Oh my god, you mean that's ME? That's what OTHER people see me like?!

Ye gods.


I have a best friend, who is a man. I love him. Ridiculously. All the weight I have lost is in great part thanks to his ongoing daily support of me, his consistent insistence that he adores me, and his encouraging me to be the best of whatever it is I want to be.

I'd like to have my womanly way with the man, the sooner the better. He is taking a vacation to hang out here for a week or two in late August or September. But it's hard for me to understand how any man can find even tolerable, let alone interesting, let alone sexy, the outer package of me that I find so unfathomably hideous.

I know they say you have to love yourself. I think I'm a decent person. I've got at least half a brain, and a good heart on better days. But I can't seem to get my head and my heart around what I look like. I hate that. I wish I could just kill that person in the picture, that horrible evil monster who took over and ruined my life.

I know. This is displaying some problem psychology. But that's how I feel right now.



Tracy said...

I know this will not help one frackin' bit, but I'm going to say it anyway. What you look like is transitory, it isn't forever. One day you'll be talking about what you used to look like while you (and others) admire your fine ass in a store window.

(violin music)
I believe in you!!
(/violin music)

Niki said...

Hi PJ,
I can really relate to everything you said. I feel the same way. I know we'll both get to a place when we can look in the mirror and be happy. I am counting on it. I have avoided mirrors for years, and am for the first time really taking a good look at what I've done to myself, and it's one of the hardest things I have ever done. I keep saying, "OMG I've created a monster!!!" But now I am waiting and watching that monster change and slowly but surely get smaller. I've never been thin. As a matter of fact I have been close to 350 pounds for 20 years (I'm 39 now), so I have no idea what it will feel like once I get there. Anything is better than this. From reading your blogs I can see what a strong woman you are :) I know you can do this...we can do this!!!
You're in my thoughts and prayers PJ