I just got a pic taken of me during my recent Business Trip From Hell. It's horrifying. I think I want to eat something involving chocolate and pizza and never wake up.
I feel like there is psychologically some total disconnect between the me I think I know, and the me I see
* in mirrors (which I avoid)
* and store windows (which I avoid, not too hard since my weight makes me so shy I'm not real public-sociable anyway)
* and photographs (which I loathe to a degree words can't express).
Every time I see a photo of myself, I am shocked anew. Who is that hideous creature? Holy cats, how did that person get so freakin HUGE? Oh my god, you mean that's ME? That's what OTHER people see me like?!
I have a best friend, who is a man. I love him. Ridiculously. All the weight I have lost is in great part thanks to his ongoing daily support of me, his consistent insistence that he adores me, and his encouraging me to be the best of whatever it is I want to be.
I'd like to have my womanly way with the man, the sooner the better. He is taking a vacation to hang out here for a week or two in late August or September. But it's hard for me to understand how any man can find even tolerable, let alone interesting, let alone sexy, the outer package of me that I find so unfathomably hideous.
I know they say you have to love yourself. I think I'm a decent person. I've got at least half a brain, and a good heart on better days. But I can't seem to get my head and my heart around what I look like. I hate that. I wish I could just kill that person in the picture, that horrible evil monster who took over and ruined my life.
I know. This is displaying some problem psychology. But that's how I feel right now.